School Daze

Why is it that we look forward to summer vacation so we don't have a schedule to adhere to and then by the time school rolls around again, we're begging for it to begin so that we have a schedule? Human nature is a weird thing. I, for one, am probably banking too much on the start of school being the cure all to my chaos. I keep thinking, if I can just get to the first day of school, it will all get better.

The kids have been fighting like cats and dogs (worse, actually) and I've been yelling and screaming at them. I am beginning to think the twins are being raised in a home of houligans as they probably assume everyone yells at each other like we do. I am completely at my wits end and that combined with my back issues, makes for a one bummin' mama.

I have never hit a wall as hard as I have recently with motherhood. I mean, it wasn't always "easy" for me, but I never felt as overwhelmed and completely inept at doing my "job" as I have lately. I keep telling myself to have more patience, speak more softly, tread more lightly, have more compassion, be more understanding and the second someone spills something after I had just said, "be careful" - all my self counseling goes out the window and my head starts spinning. It's spilt milk, for crying out loud! I'm all about overreacting lately.

It has become even more apparent to me lately how little I actually can say I accomplish after a whole day's work. I catch up the laundry and "poof!", there's more sitting there to be done. I pick up toys countless times a day only to have the typhoon that is my children toss the playroom in seconds. I clean windows only to have sticky fingerprints liter them in minutes. I do dishes, more dishes reproduce themselves for me to do. I hate meal times - cook, clean up, wipe up kids faces/hands, put everything away, do dishes, think about next meal - over and over and over. I think I'm living Groundhog Day, the movie.

It sounds like I find no joy in my lot in life right now and somedays, I have to struggle very hard to see some, but it's there in the kisses and hugs and giggles. It is just hard to hear those words, "I love you Mom" over the din of my mind racing with all the chores left to do.