I am so tired but my mind is racing I can't go to sleep. So, I'll blog for a minute.
Tomorrow is a month since my Dad passed. I thought I was doing okay, but having just surfaced from falling apart for a bit, I guess I'm muddling through. I miss him so much. I can only imagine what my Mom is feeling. She's so strong and doing so well - but I know she is tired and grieving too.
Tomorrow night she and I are participating in the Light the Night walk for Leukemia at Forest Park with another family from Quinn's school who lost a relative in July to Leukemia. It's our way of doing something good on the one month anniversary of something sad.
I feel like everything in my world is a little off kilter right now and the more I try to take control, the worse it gets. I tried to get more involved in my church by volunteering and that didn't exactly work out. I volunteered to help with Girl Scouts for Lydia and that's now a complete cluster. So instead of preoccupying myself with new adventures, I have a lot more chaos going on. I know in another month, hopefully, things will look better and calm down a bit, but right now, it all seems pretty messy.
I hate messy. I like order. I know kids are messy, life is messy, but in my world, messy doesn't jive with my schedule. I have no time for messy.
I sound ridiculous. Lately, looking at myself and seeing who I am, I'm not entirely happy with it. I can do better. I am a good person, but I know I can be better. I feel like I have no time to work on me and that is frustrating too. How do working Moms do it? How to they balance all that I balance and work? It's a mystery to me. I can barely hold together what I do have up in the air right now and I think, someday I'll have this and work too. What is going to happen then? I guess, I'll survive and be pretty messy!
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