Surgery

Well after fighting to avoid surgery for six months, I am finally succumbing because I have no choice. I can't stand up, I can't sleep in my bed, I can't function, so it's time to do it. I have three herniated discs in my lower back that are invading my spinal canal. There's not much I can do except get it done, do as I'm told and recover with dilligence so that I don't have to do this again.

In that effort, I admit to needing a lot of help. I've set up a calendar at the below site for my friends and family to access and help. Mostly, it's very little time commitment, but it means the world to me. Thanks for all you do for me and my family.

Love,
Adrienne

To access Adrienne Vonder Haar's personal CareCalendar site,
visit http://www.carecalendar.org/logon/23426 and enter the following
information in the appropriate spaces:

CALENDAR ID : 23426
SECURITY CODE : 6637

Get A Heart

A friend of mine had a scare with her child this week and she was telling me that after it all worked out and the child is fine, she realized that nothing else matters in the scheme of things except that her little girl was okay. All the stress she'd been under at home and at work paled in comparison to the way she felt worrying about her daughter. She said she wished she had more time to really be thankful for what she did have in this world instead of worrying about what she didn't have or thought she didn't have.

She said that she wished she had more time to "give back" because she really felt like she had been given a gift in the outcome of this situation with her child and that doing something to show her gratitude for this felt like the right thing to do.

I agreed with her in that we don't take the time to sit and meditate on what is so RIGHT with our worlds and what is so WELL with our lives. We constantly dwell on what is UNDONE, what is WRONG, what is UNJUST or ILL. I often wonder how well equipped I am for tragedy, disease, heartache. I think the stronger your heart, the better you are prepared to deal with life's unexpected twists and turns. I don't mean that you have a good cardiovascular system (although that helps!), but that you've strengthened your heart by doing good, living well, treating people fair and loving a lot. Having a strong heart, having HEART - it matters.

Liar Liar Pants On Fire

Okay, so tonight - it all starts over again. I had hoped that promoting to another grade level would mean that Quinn's "anxiety" would improve. She gets so tired and then something happens and from there it's a downward spiral and our conversation ends up with me feeling like the worst Mom in the world. She lied about something this evening, I found out and grounded her tomorrow. Then she poked at her sister because she was mad at me and got grounded through the week. Then she starts with the, "I hate school!" tirade followed by "you hate me" and "you're so mean!" and "I'm not going to sleep!".

She says she is in an all boys line in gym all the time, she sits next to boys in music and always has to share the keyboard with a boy. She says she is having trouble on the playground finding her friends and they all want to play without her. She says she doesn't like her assigned lunch table and/or her assigned table in the classroom. One thing rolls into another until she's bawling and then says, "I hate second grade! I am not talking to the priest or making my First Communion!". AHHA! Anxiety from PSR tonight. They are starting to prepare for their First Reconciliation and part of that is going Face to Face with the priest. She's totally going to bail on this, and I don't blame her, really.

She then says, she has no one to talk to and won't tell me stuff because she's embarrassed (okay, red flag!). I'm like, what stuff? She says, nothing. I tell her you can tell me anything, I may get upset, but I'll always love you and I want to know about things that go on in her life. It's so HARD TO PARENT - nobody said this was in the job description!

She gets herself so worked up that I don't know if I should just put her to bed crying (which insinuates that I don't care) or lay with her and talk (which ends up escalating in topic until she's mad that the sky is blue practically). I always walk away going - I have no idea what I just did or if it was remotely effective. I also envision me in 10 years dealing with a depressed teenager and wondering what I should have done NOW to head that off at the pass. Is she just dramatic? Is she really just that sensitive? Is she in need of something, like counseling? I don't know!

It makes me so sad. She seems happy most of the time, but then episodes like this make me think there's more to it and I'm not giving her what she needs. She's been saying lately how she wishes she was an only child and that she liked it better before siblings. Is all of this just a cry for attention? I feel like I give her plenty, but maybe she needs something else? Parenting is such a blind leading the blind thing - I mean even the experts don't really know what the heck they're doing. Maybe I am the meanest Mom in the world. I guess I have that going for me.

Shout Out

Shout out to my friend Jenn who will be dropping her daughter off at preschool for the first time this week - Stay strong Jenn! They always stop crying after you leave. Always! Good Luck!

It's coming

Yesterday my husband went on a testoterone induced shopping spree to purchase his dream screen. Yes, we're getting a new and bigger TV. It's something he deserves and has wanted for a while, so I really have no complaints. Did I mention, we're also getting surround sound and a blu-ray DVD player (all a part of the package deal). I don't know about you all, but I've gone television shopping and I don't know if it's my eyes or I'm just not that picky, but all the screens seem to have good pictures. I can't tell one from the other or how fast one is processing verses another. Frankly, give me the good old cathode ray tube and let it be. Color, of course. I'm not ready to revert to monochrome just yet.

Why are TVs some bastion of masculinity that all men feel the need to "enhance"? I mean, it's like a sign - "My TV's bigger than yours!" - nanny nanny boo boo. The funny thing was he took the advertisement of this "deal" to the guys down the street to check out and verify that it was such a "good" deal we couldn't pass it up.

The new black box for our home which sucks the brains out of my kids and hubby is coming tomorrow and getting hooked up next week, so I have a few days still of semi consciousness around here amongst the masses, after that - I'm sure the bigger picture will enthrall them all and they'll be goners to Nickelodeon, Disney, and ESPN.

Maybe Boarding School Isn't Such A Bad Idea.

"I don't want to clean up! I didn't make the mess! Lydia's friends made the mess!" or "I didn't pick up those toys because I didn't get them out, the babies did". I hear this malarkey every day followed by, "you're the meanest Mom in the world! You hate me! Why don't you like me?!". Today, after I sent Quinn to her room for being defiant and just all out insolent, she made a sign that reads, "Please don't come in my room aneless (unless) you are Jayden. I mean it! Hayden, Mom, Dad, Lydia, Will. From Quinn." and another one says, "Go away! Never, ever come in! Go Out! NEVER! From Quinn."

While she was having her fit, Lydia was thrashing on the floor because I was asking her to help clean up the disaster area that was the living room and she was screaming, "it's not fair! Quinn doesn't have to help!"

So, Lydia got sent to her room too and after baths, everyone was in bed by 7:20pm - although the older two didn't actually fall asleep until 8:00pm.

Why is it that they think, just because they didn't get something out to play with it, they don't have to pick it up? I have been saying over and over, we're a family, we work together. It doesn't matter who gets what out, if it needs to be picked up, do it. Lydia and Quinn always say, "It's not fair, the twins don't have to pick up". Frankly, Will is a better cleaner upper than any of them. He just does it as he walks by something. I tell the girls, though, that when they were 2, I didn't ask them to clean up either. I also say, I pick things up all the time that I didn't get out or leave lying around. Quinn told me today, "that's because I'm the Mom, I'm supposed to do that."

Work ethic! This is the beginning of it and I feel like they're off to a rocky start. I'm sure in school they are told to take care of what they get out and put it away, which is fine. But at home, we try to say they should help each other and that when we all do our part to clean up, it goes faster, we get more accomplished, and it's over. Instead, they argue over every little thing and walk over toys they didn't "get out" just to avoid picking up an extra item. It drives me batty! Between this struggle and the, "she hit me! She pinched me! She touched me! She talked to me! She looked at me cross eyed! She called me a baby!" fighting, I am thinking boarding school sounds great - in Switzerland!

I love school, I love school

School started on Monday for the twins and Lydia. The miraculous part of that day was that nobody cried when I left them and everyone was very happy to see me when I picked them up. I think God really helped them get through the morning without tears because He knew I couldn't handle it. The night before I was in tears because I was anticipating how hard letting the twins go would be, especially with them clinging and crying the next day at drop off. When they didn't well up and bawl, it made it so much easier for me to leave. I know there was Divine intervention going on.

Carl said it's not like they're going to kindergarten, why are you so upset? It's just because I remember taking Lydia to this preschool her first day as a two year old and at that point, the twins were in pumpkin seats, only a month old. Now, here I am dropping them off and I don't have anyone else in pumpkin seats. They are the end of the line. It just seems like my babies are getting too big, too fast and I know, all Mom's say that - we're all a broken record, I guess. But, these are my babies and dang it - I have to mourn a little the passing of time, the way they've changed and I haven't. It's like I've stood still and my kids just got away from me. I know, I know - wait until their 15 and I'm saying that.

Tuesday, Quinn started 2nd grade. There, again, it feels like I just put her on the bus for kindergarten. She was so excited to go and how can you be sad when there's that much enthusiasm coming from a 7 year old. She had a great day and hasn't stopped bubbling over all week long.

Wednesday, I expected the twins to blubber a little because, they had smartened up since our visit to preschool on Monday. They now knew that I leave them when we go to the FUN classroom. They didn't disapppoint me, either. The second we hit the door to the building, Hayden started saying, "No! No! No!" and pulling on my hand to leave. We walked Lydia to her classroom and then proceeded to the two year old room. By the time we walked down the hall to the room, Hayden was bawling and tears were puddling on the floor (and some drool!). William ran right in the room to play and then stopped, turned, saw his sister and dissolved into tears himself. Carl had come to drop off with me and we both had to turn and leave them there destroyed. It pretty much made you feel terrible. BUT - they survived. The teacher said that Hayden was definitely not happy about being there, but she didn't cry all day and she participated in everything they did. William got over it pretty quickly and did well. We'll see what next week brings.

The mood in our house during the day this week has been altered dramatically because of school that all I can say is, THANK THE LORD. I was literally tearing my hair out last week and this week, I have more patience, there's so little fighting, the toys stay put away a little longer, the meals are little easier and all around, I've been a better Mom because I am getting a little relief. I needed it. I'm feeling pretty good about how this year will turn out and I hope I'm right. For now, I'll take another Monday of no tears next week and call it a victory. Wish me luck! It's all about the little things after all.

Mastercard Moments

Last night, we were battling getting the older two girls to bed, when Carl very dramatically comes upstairs and says, he is putting his foot down. The girls say, "what?" and he draws attention to an action that he is doing (stomping his foot down) and asks the girls, "what am I doing?" - blank stares rebound. He asks, pointing to his feet, "what is that?" and Lydia bends over to look at his feet and comes back up and says, "a stain?". I busted out laughing because she was so serious. It was just hilarious how far off base his point was to them and then she was so innocent when she said, "a stain?" - priceless.

School Daze

Why is it that we look forward to summer vacation so we don't have a schedule to adhere to and then by the time school rolls around again, we're begging for it to begin so that we have a schedule? Human nature is a weird thing. I, for one, am probably banking too much on the start of school being the cure all to my chaos. I keep thinking, if I can just get to the first day of school, it will all get better.

The kids have been fighting like cats and dogs (worse, actually) and I've been yelling and screaming at them. I am beginning to think the twins are being raised in a home of houligans as they probably assume everyone yells at each other like we do. I am completely at my wits end and that combined with my back issues, makes for a one bummin' mama.

I have never hit a wall as hard as I have recently with motherhood. I mean, it wasn't always "easy" for me, but I never felt as overwhelmed and completely inept at doing my "job" as I have lately. I keep telling myself to have more patience, speak more softly, tread more lightly, have more compassion, be more understanding and the second someone spills something after I had just said, "be careful" - all my self counseling goes out the window and my head starts spinning. It's spilt milk, for crying out loud! I'm all about overreacting lately.

It has become even more apparent to me lately how little I actually can say I accomplish after a whole day's work. I catch up the laundry and "poof!", there's more sitting there to be done. I pick up toys countless times a day only to have the typhoon that is my children toss the playroom in seconds. I clean windows only to have sticky fingerprints liter them in minutes. I do dishes, more dishes reproduce themselves for me to do. I hate meal times - cook, clean up, wipe up kids faces/hands, put everything away, do dishes, think about next meal - over and over and over. I think I'm living Groundhog Day, the movie.

It sounds like I find no joy in my lot in life right now and somedays, I have to struggle very hard to see some, but it's there in the kisses and hugs and giggles. It is just hard to hear those words, "I love you Mom" over the din of my mind racing with all the chores left to do.

My Summer Projects

I have been busy this summer trying to get ahead on some gifts for the fall and winter and trying out the art of amigurumi figures. The kids love the animals and have put their orders in for more. We'll see! My next projects are Halloween costumes and I'm seriously wondering why I promised them that I would make them this year. I think my novice sewing skills might have given me a little more confidence than I deserve and I am hoping that I don't disappoint. I am particularly proud of the baby sweater and bootie set I made my nephew due in October. Carl thinks it's kind of frilly, but I think it turned out sweet.

Amigurumi Elephant

Amigurumi Seal

Boo Cross Stitch for Halloween - framed.

NOEL cross stitch for ornament

Housewarming gift for Howard Family

Crochetted Baby Gift for Nephew due in October
Booties for Nephew