Some days, I have no where else to go but into the blank page of a new blog post that just welcomes my tears and sadness. It doesn't judge me or try to comfort me, it just lets me get it out and move on to the next minute.

I find that the closer I get to Christmas, the more I'm blubbering. Every little thing sets me off. A Christmas card that someone writes in. A commercial. A news clip about a Dad surprising his daughter in school arriving home from deployment. It all hits me.

I am so blessed. My kids are so psyched about Christmas. It's awesome. They all "get" it this year. It's going to be a great morning.

I wish, with all my heart, that the only thing waiting for me on Christmas morning was the phone call from him wishing us well before we get together to open gifts later in the afternoon. We used to call in the morning and wish each other Merry Christmas. He loved Christmas.

I know so many people struggling this Christmas with family illness and job loss, countless other things too - and I'm not belitting those worries, they were mine and some still are, but if you have a loved one with you this season - be so thankful, be so grateful for the time you have with them. Don't think about what might happen, what could happen next year, just love them and be with them. Enjoy the moment. I would do almost anything for those moments again.

They always say the first year of "Firsts" is the hardest. I'm beginning to see why. There are a lot of times I have to remind myself that he is gone. There are so many days, I go about my business and it hits me that he's not there to call. I talk to him in my head all the time. Crazy? Probably.

I'll continue to blubber and I'll continue to talk to my Dad in my head and I'll get through Christmas. Not only "get through", but enjoy it. I'll enjoy my kids. Dad would expect no less. He would probably be mad at me for getting upset right now. He would say, "come on kid, buck up!". Gonna do that, in about two more kleenexes.

Christmas Letter 2010

Dear Friends & Family,

In a year so filled with ups and downs culminating ultimately in extreme grief one late August evening with the passing of my Dad from leukemia, we struggled with what to say this year, or to even say anything at all. So, with that, we debated on this letter. Carl offered to write it for us and I was conceding. I wasn’t sure what good was to be remembered about 2010, but upon thinking more, I realized, there was so much. So many blessings to recall, so many people to thank, it was a year full of unexpected sadness coupled with a year full of love and generosity, faith and friendship. So, here we go.

Quinn turned 8 in February, a week after my Dad’s diagnosis. She continued in dance this year, made her First Communion with all her family and Grandparents present in May, joined the Fenton Swim team and had her dance recital in June. She played softball again, too. In August, she started third grade and volleyball right after that. Her latest sports endeavor is basketball this winter. She has grown into a tall, tweenie bopper with bangs that are growing out and in her eyes (just to drive me crazy). I’m sure, she will continue to “delight” us in the coming year.

Lydia turned 5 in May. She also continued in dance this year having her recital with Quinn in June. She played softball for the second year in a row and took swimming lessons this summer. In August, she started kindergarten! She continued speech twice a week at school and also became a Daisy Girl Scout with Mom as one of her leaders. She never ceases to amaze us as she grows into such an independent little girl.

William and Hayden turned three in July. We visited Dad that day in the hospital so he could give them their presents. They took swim lessons this summer and got carted around to softball practices, swim meets and the like – as usual. In August, they started their second year of preschool and they LOVE IT. William also continued in a speech program. They started Dance with their big sisters in September. Who knows if William will continue into the next year with it, but he has enjoyed it so far. They are growing up way too fast for us!

Throughout this year, we’ve had friends and family helping us to get by – babysitting for us so we could be with my Dad as much as possible. We’ll never forget those gifts because it gave us such a treasure - time. People prayed for us, for my family, sent their blessings, sent cards, called, brought food, and visited. In life’s journey we all struggle with various circumstances, but to have a year like ours from the start and to end with the joyous and blessed season of Christmas, we feel a little like the wise men searching for a star, wondering what will happen to us next, and asking where do we go from here; a little lost. We choose to focus on the blessings of the season and more than anything, the love we have to give one another, here and now. My heart is comforted knowing that my fiercest guardian on earth is now in heaven. My Dad, is watching over my children throughout their days now, so in closing we say God Bless, Merry Christmas. We wish the spirits of your past to visit you this season bearing gifts of glory from heaven, memories of wonderful days gone by, and hope for the future. I know my Dad’s spirit will be with us throughout. Love ya, Dad.

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,

I have not abandoned you. It may seem like it, but really I've been ignoring you like my three year old does when the TV is on and he's watching Dinosaur Train. I haven't really been inattentive, you've been in the back of my mind lately, but I've been busy.

I've had friends having babies, kids running to and fro and the onset of the holiday season has stripped me of my free time to write with you. On top of that, silly me, I thought we could redecorate the three kids' rooms and move the four of them all around. What a silly notion!? My upstairs looks like a tornado hit.

Decorating for Christmas may not even happen at this rate. You should not feel too bad, though, I've also been ignoring my craft addiction and all the projects I thought I would have time for this year too, especially for gifts. Oh well.

Today, I'm doing laundry in droves and in slips thoughts of my Dad to wreck my okay mood on the eve of Thanksgiving. I'm not feeling too thankful, but I know I have a lot to be grateful for.

Let's go with that.

I'm thankful for...

My kids
My husband
My family
My dog
My faith
My friends

Well, that's it for now. Hope to see you before 2011. We'll see how the month goes from here.

November already and 2010 can't end fast enough

Ever feel like - How did I get here already? I mean, where did my year go? I can barely remember yesterday and I wonder where did the 10 months before it go?

Trick or Treating went great! The kids had a lot of fun!

I feel like the next two months will fly by and as much as I kind of wish they would so I can just "get through" it, I also have so much to do, that I need MORE TIME.

I guess everyone feels like that with the holidays. I wish I could be more excited for them and more geared up to go out and spread cheer, but I could really care less right now.

Hopefully, I'll find that Holiday spirit somewhere along the way.

Maybe it's too early still.

I have a lot of prayers going up lately. First - my friends with cancer in their lives (whether it's their own or a relatives) - all my blessings and prayers to you. Second, and as importantly, to my friends the Welsch's - God Bless that baby you'll be bringing home soon! Can't wait to hear about your son's arrival.

The only funny story I have to relate was Quinn's Saint presentation she gave on Monday in PSR. She chose St. Elizabeth of Hungary. She insisted the Saint was St. Elizabeth of the Hungry because she fed the poor. It took all my convincing to get her to believe Hungary is a country and that's why she is "of Hungary". Her report even had that in it ! The main reason she chose her was because she was a Princess and it's my middle name. It was pretty funny, though!

November Blessings to you!

Raining

It's been two months and I think it gets harder the further from that moment I get. I miss him. I miss seeing him at his house. I was there last evening and as I do when I go there, I go to my parents bedroom which is the last place he and I spoke and the last place I saw him. I stand there everytime waiting for something. His ashes are on his dresser (for now). His photo is throughout the room. I can still see his form in bed asleep or talking with me, but he's not really there. Before I know it, the tears are falling off my cheeks while I'm lost in thought. I want to feel close again to him. I want him to say, "come here!" for a hug. I want him to be here.

I just want my Dad.

I'm glad it's raining tonight so the full moon isn't visible. Full moons and cool evenings bring back the moment I walked out of the house to go home the night my Dad died. I looked up to the brightest, fullest, globe in the night sky and felt the cool breeze of a storm coming across my face. It's one of those moments you never forget. I remember thinking maybe my Dad had something to do with the change in the weather and the wind was his good night kiss to me across my cheek. Crazy.

Damn disease

I kind of feel like I'm being bombarded. I'm playing a game of Battleship and all the ships around me have been hit and I'm waiting to be torpedoed. Who am I kidding? I've already been hit, but my ship hasn't quite sunk yet.

Cancer.

Damn disease.

I am praying for all my friends fighting it, for all my friends with loved ones living it, and for all my family who have succumbed to it. God grant us peace from this illness.

Not a very cheery post, but I think every diagnosis I hear of hits me hard, brings me back to my Dad's diagnosis on February 3rd - makes me relive my loss. Selish? Probably.

I miss him.

Tomorrow is Grandparents day at school and my kids are blessed to have three grandparents attending. I just wish it was four.

Post on demand

My fans have requested an update and so I must oblige! Ha ha ha!

Here goes!

Sunday, Quinn bit into pretzel and jarred her lower incisor loose. It was a little wiggly to start, but she really popped it eating that pretzel. All day, she couldn't leave it alone and finally on Monday morning, she yanked it out. She said she couldn't stand going to school with it hanging in her mouth. Great! Monday night she told me to remind the tooth fairy to come and she placed her tooth on her dresser with a note. I told her, "No worries! I'll tell her to stop by!".

Of course, the dang tooth fairy forgot to come! I think there is probably another post somewhere in my blog about this darned tooth fairy forgetting at least one other time. I told Quinn we needed to fire her then and I guess I was right!

So, Quinn gets up Tuesday very disappointed that her four quarters are nowhere in sight and the knarly tooth is still sitting on her dresser. Thinking fast, I told her, "you know what? It frosted last night. I am betting that the tooth fairy's wings weren't up to speed because of the frost, so she didn't get all her teeth picked up." I went on and elaborated, "you know how wasps and bees can't fly at night because of the cold. Same for tooth fairy's!" She seemed to buy it. I said, "It's going to be nice and warm today. I bet she makes up her flight pattern and stops in sometime this morning or afternoon before you get home from school." Quinn said, "really?" and smiled. I said, "Sure! I have errands to run , so I bet she comes while I'm gone!" Sure enough, that tooth fairy did come while I was gone (wink, wink).

Quinn got home from school and checked on her tooth, found the quarters, and exclaimed, "MOM! I know you're the tooth fairy!" I said, "What?!" very incredulously. She said, "I wrote her a note and she wrote back. There is no way the tooth fairy could hold that big pencil and write so big on my paper!" I said, "Hey! You believe in magic, right!?" and she said, "Yes." and I said, "Then I am not the tooth fairy!" and left it at that.

We have had many talks about the tooth fairy and how we have been assigned the cheap one. We haven't figured out how the routing works at tooth fairy world, but it seems there are some weird boundaries on our street due to the variation in rewards given for each tooth collected. Our poor tooth fairy has had such a bad rep for so long, my kids just believe we got the slacker.

Oh well, when you're keeping up so many persona's (i.e. Santa, Tooth Fairy, Mom, Chauffeur, Girl Scout leader, Great Pumpkin, Leprechaun, and Easter Bunny), one is sure to suffer!

Have a great weekend!

Hugs and prayers to all who are fighting cancer in my life. You are always in my heart.

10:45 pm - Mind Racing

I am so tired but my mind is racing I can't go to sleep. So, I'll blog for a minute.

Tomorrow is a month since my Dad passed. I thought I was doing okay, but having just surfaced from falling apart for a bit, I guess I'm muddling through. I miss him so much. I can only imagine what my Mom is feeling. She's so strong and doing so well - but I know she is tired and grieving too.

Tomorrow night she and I are participating in the Light the Night walk for Leukemia at Forest Park with another family from Quinn's school who lost a relative in July to Leukemia. It's our way of doing something good on the one month anniversary of something sad.

I feel like everything in my world is a little off kilter right now and the more I try to take control, the worse it gets. I tried to get more involved in my church by volunteering and that didn't exactly work out. I volunteered to help with Girl Scouts for Lydia and that's now a complete cluster. So instead of preoccupying myself with new adventures, I have a lot more chaos going on. I know in another month, hopefully, things will look better and calm down a bit, but right now, it all seems pretty messy.

I hate messy. I like order. I know kids are messy, life is messy, but in my world, messy doesn't jive with my schedule. I have no time for messy.

I sound ridiculous. Lately, looking at myself and seeing who I am, I'm not entirely happy with it. I can do better. I am a good person, but I know I can be better. I feel like I have no time to work on me and that is frustrating too. How do working Moms do it? How to they balance all that I balance and work? It's a mystery to me. I can barely hold together what I do have up in the air right now and I think, someday I'll have this and work too. What is going to happen then? I guess, I'll survive and be pretty messy!

What is Up

Here's what is going on in our world lately.

Quinn is gearing up for her first Girl Scout camping trip next weekend. She is loving volleyball and doing really well in third grade. They are learning directions and continents. I don't think I was learning that stuff in third grade.

Lydia is getting ready to start Girl Scouts in a week or so. I am a co-leader to her troop, so we're both going to be learning a lot! She is doing great in Kindergarten and has a new found love of writing letters - all letters, in any order. Then she asks, "what word is that?" Usually, it's something like "xehditeofj" and I say, oh! That says, "I love you!" or something. She's cute, but she gets herself in so much trouble lately at home. I can't keep up with her.

Will is a little under the weather the past couple days, but otherwise his crazy busy. He goes to speech four days a week and preschool twice a week. That all keeps him going.

Hayden is my little bug who just goes with the flow. She gets dragged around town for her brother's speech and her sister, Lydia's, speech as well, not to mention sports and scouts. She has developed a huge fashion opinion and can take 5 minutes to pick out a dress for the day. Talk about driving me nuts!

Next Friday Mom and I are walking in the Light the Night walk to benefit leukemia and all blood cancers. We have joined a team of one of Quinn's classmates this year - who lost a relative in July to leukemia as well. Next year we will probably have our own team, so look for that info next summer!

We're all managing our worlds without Dad in it. Will has a hard time especially understanding where his PeePa is. He had an appointment at Childrens' this week and the past two times we went for this appointment, we saw my Dad at Barnes next door. So....naturally he asked when we got there if we were going to see him. I said, "no" and he asked, "why?" and I tried to explain that PeePa is in Heaven with Jesus. He gets more confused the more I talk. Then he asks, "PeePa sick?" or "I no see Peepa now?". It breaks my heart everytime we have this conversation and there is no good way to have him understand. I am afraid he thinks PeePa just left him and he feels abandoned. He loved my Dad so much. They were going to be buddies growing up for sure. I just knew it. I hope he keeps my Dad with him forever.

Okay, off the Dad subject. I am not going to dwell.....it will be four weeks on Tuesday.

Twinkle Toes

Last night was the first night of dance class for the three girls. They were so excited and got to the studio, changed shoes, and rushed in to their classes - leaving poor Will in their dust. He was not happy. He got upset in the hallway of the studio wanting to go into Hayden's class with her. I talked to the teacher, also the owner of the studio, and asked if he could just try the class out and see how he does. She said, "of course!".

He loved it. He did everything they asked, paid attention, waited patiently when he had to and ran, jumped, danced and leaped to his heart's content. So, I guess we're going to have four dancers in the family now. I need to get him a shirt that says, "Dude, I dance." or "I love dinosaurs and dance" - something cute and manly. I know if he continues, I'll have to get some manly shoes because pink ballet and tan tap shoes from his sisters aren't going to cut it.

It was adorable and I never thought I would have a son in a dance class, but it is really good for his clubbed feet which give him some balance trouble and coordination issues. Oh well - Fred Astaire eat your heart out.