Breaking hearts

When your heart is already breaking and your child asks if Grandpa is going to die, can it break any more than it already is? I don't know.


Then to have to tell your little girl that Grandpa is not going to get better and watch her heart break into a million pieces before your eyes - it only sets your heart on fire turning it into ash.


I know today was a hard day for my Mom. My Dad slept a lot of the day. He barely moved. He can't get out of bed without help to use the commode. He's weak. His voice is still good, but his body is betraying his spirit. Mom said tonight she didn't think he'd ever get out of bed again. After the day she had, I can see why. Dad had a lot of visitors this weekend. He is worn out. I am hoping he'll get a little pep back tomorrow.


I have so many things I want to do with my Dad, so many things to talk about still. So many dreams unfufilled with him. I just don't know how I'm going to let him go when it's time. I just don't know if I can let him leave me here on earth to carry his memory and not have his hugs too. I know my Mom has to be breaking apart inside. She's going to be losing her life partner, her soul mate. I know she'll ask him to save her a spot in heaven, but all the while wishing he could be in his spot here on earth for a long time to come.


I think I'm doing okay with everything and then I fall apart. It hits me like a ton of bricks out of nowhere and I am broken again. I would give anything to go back to when we were all together and happy. I pull up to my parents home now and I expect to see my Dad at the kitchen table or out in the yard. I expect to hear his booming voice and see his smile. Instead it is so quiet. It is so empty already.