How do you say goodbye to a friend? My Dad always told me that pets are wonderful. They give us unconditional love and support their entire lives. They are our friends, man's best friend. When the time comes, be a good friend to them, do not let them suffer. They deserve that and more.
Today, we got home from the girls' softball games and Mocha was not herself. She was wobbling all over, struggling to stand, staggering. She tried to follow me around when she could and I would just catch her nearly falling over. She was wide eyed and drooling. I just sat with her and stroked her. I knew in my heart, it was that time, but to actually have to make that decision was gut wrenching.
She licked me as if to say, it's okay. I knew her mind was still there, wanting to love us, but her body wasn't cooperating. Years of arthritis had taken their toll on her poor rear hips. I double dosed her with buffrin to make her more comfortable and it seemed to relieve some of her shakes.
Telling my kids that she was going to the hospital to see the doctor and would probably not come home was awful. William burst into tears. He didn't want her to go, he hugged her and said, he'd miss her. Quinn fell apart. Hayden and Lydia didn't really get what was going on.
We got a sitter and took her to the humane society.
They were wonderful. I just held her soft head in my hands and stroked her face and ears like she loved. She dozed off and into a peaceful passing.
I got Mocha a week or two after I graduated college. My Mom and little brother actually went to the APA to pick her up for me while I interviewed at Washington University for a position I didn't get. After that, she and I were constant companions. She let me hold her while I cried through boyfriends and breakups, let downs and disappointments. She slept in my bed with me until my husband took her spot. She let him into her heart as her master and then accepted four kids into her world without hesitation. She comforted me while my Dad was sick and let me cry into her fur night after night. She nudged me when I was sad to let me seek comfort in petting that soft head. She let me lay with her when my Dad passed, just sobbing.
Mocha has been the only constant for my entire adult life. From the beginnings to the ends. She was my best friend. I hope I was hers.
From the get go, she was special. I chose her when she instantly flopped on her back and started knawing on my overall snap. She would fall asleep as a pup in my lap, flat out on her back, spread eagle, completely relaxed. As she grew, she would greet me with such enthusiasm her rear end couldn't handle it and she would wag, wag, that tail until she practically fell over. We used to say she had perpetual puppy syndrome because she always acted like a pup.
The past four or five years, she really slowed down, but she was ever determined to clean up the scraps at dinner off the floor, beg mercilessly at the table (which I admit to letting her), and lay in the foyer to our home, guarding the castle.
I'll never have another dog like she was. There is simply no replacing the best dog in the world. God speed Mo, god bless, and find my Dad, he probably has popcorn (your favorite, and his), he'll take care of you ol' girl.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
VENTING
There are many things that are hard about being a parent, but lately, I'm having trouble with the keep your mouth shut part. When you kid continuously comes home and tells you how her day was rough when three other girls told her she couldn't join their reading group and laughed, so she sat down alone -I just want to flippin' get on the horn to those kids' parents and scream. Of course, that is frowned upon.
So, when your kid says she's afraid of one of those kids because she might pummel her if she admits to liking someone that kid doesn't like -what do you say? I told her to be friends with that kid anyways and she said, she is, but she told this new friend in confidence that even though she might act like she doesn't like her in front of the other girls, secretly, she really likes her and is her friend, so it's not real. REALLY! I mean, my kid is having to be mean to someone else to avoid social ridicule.
I told my kid that I would talk to the parents of these other kids and she said, "Why? They will just lie to their parents like they lie to the teacher." She also said, "I'll be the one who pays for that!" It's sad that she has it figured out. She also has figured out that when the school counselor comes in to class and says, "this school is 95% bully free, we need to work on the other 5%" that someone has failed to report most of the bullying that goes on in class right under the teacher's nose. She even says, if they think we're that bully free, they aren't paying attention.
Having been a parent to a bullied kid this year, it is the hardest thing to watch and feel so helpless. You try to give them pointers and things to say or ways to befriend these kids who have commandeered the social network with such power, all to no avail. It makes me mad. I preach over and over be kind to your neighbor, turn the other cheek, rise above it all, ignore them, be a good person no matter what and for what purpose!? I finally had it recently and told her to tell them when they get on her nerves or exclude her, "bite me!". I gave her permission to actually say that in my anger!
I know my kid is not innocent. I realize she needs a tougher skin and I understand that she's not perfect in any which way, but she doesn't deserve the treatment she's received.
It's become so ego crushing for her and self esteem crushing that we are actually seeking counseling to give her some tools to deal with these girls. I can tell you summer vacation cannot come quick enough.
It makes me sad mostly because she's come to accept her "position" and accept these kids' behavior as something that can't be challenged or fixed because somehow this is the social order of things and that's just how it is. It's wrong.
Like I said, I'm not there everyday at school and I get that the teacher is kind of done in this year with all the drama, but nobody likes to hear their kid is left out or alienated, ignored, or belittled. I think that the end result will be my kid learns to choose her friends more wisely and learns the hard way what qualities are more important in a person - popularity, athleticism, and defiance never win out over truth, kindness and selflessness.
So, there ya go - I don't feel any better and I'm gonna call that counselor tomorrow so the damage done this year doesn't perpetuate into the future with other problems, but really? Can't we all just get along?
So, when your kid says she's afraid of one of those kids because she might pummel her if she admits to liking someone that kid doesn't like -what do you say? I told her to be friends with that kid anyways and she said, she is, but she told this new friend in confidence that even though she might act like she doesn't like her in front of the other girls, secretly, she really likes her and is her friend, so it's not real. REALLY! I mean, my kid is having to be mean to someone else to avoid social ridicule.
I told my kid that I would talk to the parents of these other kids and she said, "Why? They will just lie to their parents like they lie to the teacher." She also said, "I'll be the one who pays for that!" It's sad that she has it figured out. She also has figured out that when the school counselor comes in to class and says, "this school is 95% bully free, we need to work on the other 5%" that someone has failed to report most of the bullying that goes on in class right under the teacher's nose. She even says, if they think we're that bully free, they aren't paying attention.
Having been a parent to a bullied kid this year, it is the hardest thing to watch and feel so helpless. You try to give them pointers and things to say or ways to befriend these kids who have commandeered the social network with such power, all to no avail. It makes me mad. I preach over and over be kind to your neighbor, turn the other cheek, rise above it all, ignore them, be a good person no matter what and for what purpose!? I finally had it recently and told her to tell them when they get on her nerves or exclude her, "bite me!". I gave her permission to actually say that in my anger!
I know my kid is not innocent. I realize she needs a tougher skin and I understand that she's not perfect in any which way, but she doesn't deserve the treatment she's received.
It's become so ego crushing for her and self esteem crushing that we are actually seeking counseling to give her some tools to deal with these girls. I can tell you summer vacation cannot come quick enough.
It makes me sad mostly because she's come to accept her "position" and accept these kids' behavior as something that can't be challenged or fixed because somehow this is the social order of things and that's just how it is. It's wrong.
Like I said, I'm not there everyday at school and I get that the teacher is kind of done in this year with all the drama, but nobody likes to hear their kid is left out or alienated, ignored, or belittled. I think that the end result will be my kid learns to choose her friends more wisely and learns the hard way what qualities are more important in a person - popularity, athleticism, and defiance never win out over truth, kindness and selflessness.
So, there ya go - I don't feel any better and I'm gonna call that counselor tomorrow so the damage done this year doesn't perpetuate into the future with other problems, but really? Can't we all just get along?
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
AHHA Moments
So...years ago when Quinn was a baby, I had friends who would tell me that they couldn't get anything done during the day and had to clean the house at midnight. At the time, I just didn't get it. I thought, "Really? I manage to get my work done and still function during daylight hours, why can't you? You must be doing something wrong."
Well.....I get it now. Between all the running around I do with the kids and just your regular run of the mill errands, I fail to even get breakfast dishes done before dinner and beds made before school's out (and then what's the point, they'll be back in them in a matter of hours!). I barely get laundry done these days and whereas I used to pride myself on managing to keep the play room neat, nowadays, I am lucky to shove all of its contents back into the space they belong and putting them away is a thing of the past. Why? Well, I have three year olds. Not only that, but three year olds who don't nap make for double the amount of trouble and mischief.
Now that the weather is nice, they want to be outside all the time. I love that, but I can't be out there all the time with them and still try to accomplish something inside. So, I crack the door open to hear them, stay on the main floor for my chores (which is why beds never get made) and constantly yell out the door and step on the deck saying, "You guys okay out there?" On top of that, I send up a little prayer that no bones are broken while I'm not being super vigilant and that they come back in one piece, well two pieces - one Hayden and one William.
Don't get me wrong. I am complaining, but I do love it. I love this time in my life and I know that I will miss it like I miss the baby stage. I barely remember them trying to walk, crawl, or talk. It's a blur. But, the down side to this time is that the only time during the day I can actually do something and have it stay the way I left it for more than five minutes is after they go to bed. So, whereas once upon a time, I was not cleaning at midnight, now I am. The other downside is I'm freakin' tired! Off to read, put them to bed, say prayers, kisses goodnight and then on to the daily chores (i.e. laundry, dishes, vacuuming, dusting, straightening). But before that, an injury just occurred, so gotta go kiss a boo boo first. This is the life. Wanna trade? (just kidding!)
Well.....I get it now. Between all the running around I do with the kids and just your regular run of the mill errands, I fail to even get breakfast dishes done before dinner and beds made before school's out (and then what's the point, they'll be back in them in a matter of hours!). I barely get laundry done these days and whereas I used to pride myself on managing to keep the play room neat, nowadays, I am lucky to shove all of its contents back into the space they belong and putting them away is a thing of the past. Why? Well, I have three year olds. Not only that, but three year olds who don't nap make for double the amount of trouble and mischief.
Now that the weather is nice, they want to be outside all the time. I love that, but I can't be out there all the time with them and still try to accomplish something inside. So, I crack the door open to hear them, stay on the main floor for my chores (which is why beds never get made) and constantly yell out the door and step on the deck saying, "You guys okay out there?" On top of that, I send up a little prayer that no bones are broken while I'm not being super vigilant and that they come back in one piece, well two pieces - one Hayden and one William.
Don't get me wrong. I am complaining, but I do love it. I love this time in my life and I know that I will miss it like I miss the baby stage. I barely remember them trying to walk, crawl, or talk. It's a blur. But, the down side to this time is that the only time during the day I can actually do something and have it stay the way I left it for more than five minutes is after they go to bed. So, whereas once upon a time, I was not cleaning at midnight, now I am. The other downside is I'm freakin' tired! Off to read, put them to bed, say prayers, kisses goodnight and then on to the daily chores (i.e. laundry, dishes, vacuuming, dusting, straightening). But before that, an injury just occurred, so gotta go kiss a boo boo first. This is the life. Wanna trade? (just kidding!)
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
It's a vicious cycle....
Well, giving up FB was actually easier than I expected. I do miss seeing what's going on sometimes but my whole purpose in giving it up was to actually reclaim all the time I spent on it and be more productive. Has that worked? Nope. Now, instead of stalking FB updates, I stalk my email IN box. I am going to get carpel tunnel as often as I flick my wrist on my mouse to hit "send/receive". I almost feel dejected when an email doesn't pop up to respond to. Oh well, from one vice to another.
Spring and Fall are my favorite times of year for weather, but my least favorite for one other activity that is simply the activity from "hell". I hate switching clothes out of the kids' closets. It's a complete nuisance. Between all four, I just filled 9 laundry baskets and have a stack of hanging items. Now, I have to drag all of that to the basement, resort (or file) every item in the correct box and make sure it's labelled properly (i.e. 4T Winter, 10-12 Winter, 6-6x Winter). Then I need to pull out those pieces that are either never going to be worn again because I don't like it anymore, are so worn they aren't worth wearing, or have finally trickled down through neices and my girls to the point past Hayden where they are garage sale worthy. But, that's only half the job.
From this point, I should have 9 empty laundry baskets. The good thing about this part is that for the most part William doesn't have anything for the next season and neither does Quinn. Being the oldest and only boy, they get new wardrobe pieces all the time. Lucky ducks. There are a handful of things that Quinn needs to try on though (i.e. PJs, dresses) and see if we can get another year out of them. That leaves sorting through Lydia and Hayden's boxes. It is actually kind of fun to see some of the dresses and summer wear that Quinn wore and remember it going through the kids and now into Hayden's closet, but for the most part, still a chore.
Okay, that's good to a point, but I haven't tackled swim wear and shoes. Every year sorting through summer shoes and dress shoes is an ordeal. Again, Will has nothing, but the younger two have a Payless Store in the basement of footwear to try on. Swimwear takes no time, but it still takes time to see what lycra has given out and what sizes we have to work with and then decide who needs what purchased.
Finally, after much procrastination and a good couple days, I will have dragged all those baskets back upstairs and started re-filing clothes into closets. There is a sense of accomplishment when all this is done until I remember, oh yeah - I have to do my closet too! It's a vicious cycle.
Spring and Fall are my favorite times of year for weather, but my least favorite for one other activity that is simply the activity from "hell". I hate switching clothes out of the kids' closets. It's a complete nuisance. Between all four, I just filled 9 laundry baskets and have a stack of hanging items. Now, I have to drag all of that to the basement, resort (or file) every item in the correct box and make sure it's labelled properly (i.e. 4T Winter, 10-12 Winter, 6-6x Winter). Then I need to pull out those pieces that are either never going to be worn again because I don't like it anymore, are so worn they aren't worth wearing, or have finally trickled down through neices and my girls to the point past Hayden where they are garage sale worthy. But, that's only half the job.
From this point, I should have 9 empty laundry baskets. The good thing about this part is that for the most part William doesn't have anything for the next season and neither does Quinn. Being the oldest and only boy, they get new wardrobe pieces all the time. Lucky ducks. There are a handful of things that Quinn needs to try on though (i.e. PJs, dresses) and see if we can get another year out of them. That leaves sorting through Lydia and Hayden's boxes. It is actually kind of fun to see some of the dresses and summer wear that Quinn wore and remember it going through the kids and now into Hayden's closet, but for the most part, still a chore.
Okay, that's good to a point, but I haven't tackled swim wear and shoes. Every year sorting through summer shoes and dress shoes is an ordeal. Again, Will has nothing, but the younger two have a Payless Store in the basement of footwear to try on. Swimwear takes no time, but it still takes time to see what lycra has given out and what sizes we have to work with and then decide who needs what purchased.
Finally, after much procrastination and a good couple days, I will have dragged all those baskets back upstairs and started re-filing clothes into closets. There is a sense of accomplishment when all this is done until I remember, oh yeah - I have to do my closet too! It's a vicious cycle.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Post one, post faceboook
I'm a couple days out without facebook and truthfully - I miss it, but it's not as big of a deal as I thought it might be. Now, I gave up soda as well and that one - I'm about to knaw my arm off for a diet coke. I'm sorry, but crystal light lemonade, rasberry lemonade, orange drink and pomegranate lemonade is just not the same as a diet caffeine free coke.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Givin' it up
So, I've come to the realization that I have an addiction. I'm working on weaning myself off, but it is hard. I am less productive because of it and I'm definitely excited by it. My husband jokes that I have a boyfriend. Yes, people, it's Facebook and my email.
I just saw a news report on this phenom and it's frightening how much time people spend social networking. My phone is silent at home because my friends email me. My mailbox is pretty empty (except for advertising) because no one writes letters anymore. It's pretty sad, really.
What to do?
Well, I'm contemplating a separation period. Email is a necessity due to school activities and what not, but Facebook is definitely not a do or die thing. I think for Lent, one of my sacrifices, will be to give it up completely. 40 days of peace - not waiting for a response to a witty post or writing a response to someone else's post. It sounds pretty good, really.
I will be connecting on email still - but I won't be responding to facebook email/messages. So, we'll see if I get the shakes, have withdrawals, take up a new addiction - like texting. I don't really do that right now. I think I've sent 6 texts my entire life.
We'll see! Should be interesting. I thought to myself, though, if I spent as much time praying as I do on Facebook, I'd be spending my time much more wisely.
I just saw a news report on this phenom and it's frightening how much time people spend social networking. My phone is silent at home because my friends email me. My mailbox is pretty empty (except for advertising) because no one writes letters anymore. It's pretty sad, really.
What to do?
Well, I'm contemplating a separation period. Email is a necessity due to school activities and what not, but Facebook is definitely not a do or die thing. I think for Lent, one of my sacrifices, will be to give it up completely. 40 days of peace - not waiting for a response to a witty post or writing a response to someone else's post. It sounds pretty good, really.
I will be connecting on email still - but I won't be responding to facebook email/messages. So, we'll see if I get the shakes, have withdrawals, take up a new addiction - like texting. I don't really do that right now. I think I've sent 6 texts my entire life.
We'll see! Should be interesting. I thought to myself, though, if I spent as much time praying as I do on Facebook, I'd be spending my time much more wisely.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Dryer Woes
So, a day without laundry in this house is like a day without sun. It just never happens unless your dryer dies on you? Then all laundry comes to a swift halt. As nice as it has been to be laundriless for a day, the piles are starting to crawl out of their baskets and onto the laundry room floor - as my baskets overfloweth. Granted, they were starting to get that way yesterday which was why I was trying to do laundry when the dryer died. It must have looked at the work to be done and keeled over. Chicken, I say, coward!
So, we're getting a new dryer at some point this week. Now begins the research, the debating, the price checking, the hemming and hawing over which one to get. Me, I want BIG and I would like the door to drop down, not swing out. I'll probably have to settle for a little larger than what I have and a door that swings side to side.
Oh well! C'est la vie.
I hope you are having a great Valentine's Day. I had an epiphany yesterday thinking about a woman I knew on a casual basis who passed away two days ago. She was a grandma to a friend of Quinn's and when the two of them were in preschool together this lady would help me haul the twins and Lydia into and out of school on occassion. Those few minutes of her time have still hung with me. She made a difference for me in that moment.
I realized that life isn't about how many achievements we have, or how many books we've written, awards we have won, or even organizations we belong too, it's about throwing yourself in the pond of life and watching the ripples go out as far as they can. The higher you jump from, the more ripples you make, so if you take a few risks (going higher), you'll make a bigger impact on those little ripples. This analogy is pretty cliche, I realize that. But my ephiphany was that when I go, I want my ripples to go far and wide. I want my legacy to be that I helped someone drag three little ones into a preschool or that I held a door for someone when they had their hands full. Service. It's about putting someone else first (which I always knew). It's about making each groove in the pond of ripples count.
So, I challenge you, jump from a great height into that pond and those moments you are underwater, holding your breath, look around, hear the silence, then kick with your feet and burst through the surface letting shards of water break the congruity of those ripples. That's the spice of life. Nothing is perfect, but dang, make it fun and make it count. What's the point if we don't?
Happy Hearts Day People!
XOXOXOXOXO
So, we're getting a new dryer at some point this week. Now begins the research, the debating, the price checking, the hemming and hawing over which one to get. Me, I want BIG and I would like the door to drop down, not swing out. I'll probably have to settle for a little larger than what I have and a door that swings side to side.
Oh well! C'est la vie.
I hope you are having a great Valentine's Day. I had an epiphany yesterday thinking about a woman I knew on a casual basis who passed away two days ago. She was a grandma to a friend of Quinn's and when the two of them were in preschool together this lady would help me haul the twins and Lydia into and out of school on occassion. Those few minutes of her time have still hung with me. She made a difference for me in that moment.
I realized that life isn't about how many achievements we have, or how many books we've written, awards we have won, or even organizations we belong too, it's about throwing yourself in the pond of life and watching the ripples go out as far as they can. The higher you jump from, the more ripples you make, so if you take a few risks (going higher), you'll make a bigger impact on those little ripples. This analogy is pretty cliche, I realize that. But my ephiphany was that when I go, I want my ripples to go far and wide. I want my legacy to be that I helped someone drag three little ones into a preschool or that I held a door for someone when they had their hands full. Service. It's about putting someone else first (which I always knew). It's about making each groove in the pond of ripples count.
So, I challenge you, jump from a great height into that pond and those moments you are underwater, holding your breath, look around, hear the silence, then kick with your feet and burst through the surface letting shards of water break the congruity of those ripples. That's the spice of life. Nothing is perfect, but dang, make it fun and make it count. What's the point if we don't?
Happy Hearts Day People!
XOXOXOXOXO
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
First off, belated Happy New Year.
Here's the scoop.
The kids haven't had a full week of school since mid-December due to snow days and vacation. We're really pulling for a full five days of class this week. Because of this, I feel like I live in a time warp. I'm not sure what day it is half the time and my routine has been compromised (which as we all know, my life is dictated by).
In my head, snow days are so Norman Rockwell. We get up, I make a great breakfast, we gear up and sled, music is playing in the trees, the birds are singing, we come in to a planned crafty activity that will certainly create lasting memories of bliss filled snow days. Then we hunker down by a cozy fire and read poetry, play music, and settle into our respective quiet pasttimes (cross stitch, a card game, knitting). In the end the kids climb the stairs sayin, "night ma, night pa" like Little House on the Prairie. (Of course, I'm exaggerating).
Instead, a REAL snow day is, everyone is up early, except me who thinks "where do we have to rush to, let's stay in our cozy beds". Next the kids shove down a bowl of cocoa puffs and start begging, "can we go outside?" until I cave in about 10:00 am. In the meantime, though, they've already spilled two cups of milk, destroyed the living room and playroom, colored, painted, watched TV, and had two or three arguments. So, after I cave in, we get geared up. 45 minutes later we are ready to go outside. 10 minutes later we're back in and they announce that they are indeed, "bored".
Lunchtime rolls around and nobody is happy with what I have on hand (which, albeit, is usually not that much), so they complain until I practically throw the jar of peanut butter at their heads. Finally, naptime for the twins. 1:00pm. Of course, that is hit or miss and lately, more miss. They run between their rooms, play, jump around, laugh (not too much napping happening there) until one may crash out. If I'm lucky, they both fall asleep. Then I tell the older two to read in their room and play quietly. For about 20 minutes, I can quickly reassemble the house and think, "what is for dinner?". Soooner than later, someone is again, "bored" and/or just picked on someone else and we are back to "you're grounded, you're in time out, you'd better go upstairs or I will scream".
Finally, the dinner hour arrives. We muddle through, pray it's not a bath night, and hope Carl can get home from work at a decent time because when he walks in, I say, "tag, you're it!".
That's pretty much what has been going on around here. How bout you? Been busy?
Here's the scoop.
The kids haven't had a full week of school since mid-December due to snow days and vacation. We're really pulling for a full five days of class this week. Because of this, I feel like I live in a time warp. I'm not sure what day it is half the time and my routine has been compromised (which as we all know, my life is dictated by).
In my head, snow days are so Norman Rockwell. We get up, I make a great breakfast, we gear up and sled, music is playing in the trees, the birds are singing, we come in to a planned crafty activity that will certainly create lasting memories of bliss filled snow days. Then we hunker down by a cozy fire and read poetry, play music, and settle into our respective quiet pasttimes (cross stitch, a card game, knitting). In the end the kids climb the stairs sayin, "night ma, night pa" like Little House on the Prairie. (Of course, I'm exaggerating).
Instead, a REAL snow day is, everyone is up early, except me who thinks "where do we have to rush to, let's stay in our cozy beds". Next the kids shove down a bowl of cocoa puffs and start begging, "can we go outside?" until I cave in about 10:00 am. In the meantime, though, they've already spilled two cups of milk, destroyed the living room and playroom, colored, painted, watched TV, and had two or three arguments. So, after I cave in, we get geared up. 45 minutes later we are ready to go outside. 10 minutes later we're back in and they announce that they are indeed, "bored".
Lunchtime rolls around and nobody is happy with what I have on hand (which, albeit, is usually not that much), so they complain until I practically throw the jar of peanut butter at their heads. Finally, naptime for the twins. 1:00pm. Of course, that is hit or miss and lately, more miss. They run between their rooms, play, jump around, laugh (not too much napping happening there) until one may crash out. If I'm lucky, they both fall asleep. Then I tell the older two to read in their room and play quietly. For about 20 minutes, I can quickly reassemble the house and think, "what is for dinner?". Soooner than later, someone is again, "bored" and/or just picked on someone else and we are back to "you're grounded, you're in time out, you'd better go upstairs or I will scream".
Finally, the dinner hour arrives. We muddle through, pray it's not a bath night, and hope Carl can get home from work at a decent time because when he walks in, I say, "tag, you're it!".
That's pretty much what has been going on around here. How bout you? Been busy?
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Some days, I have no where else to go but into the blank page of a new blog post that just welcomes my tears and sadness. It doesn't judge me or try to comfort me, it just lets me get it out and move on to the next minute.
I find that the closer I get to Christmas, the more I'm blubbering. Every little thing sets me off. A Christmas card that someone writes in. A commercial. A news clip about a Dad surprising his daughter in school arriving home from deployment. It all hits me.
I am so blessed. My kids are so psyched about Christmas. It's awesome. They all "get" it this year. It's going to be a great morning.
I wish, with all my heart, that the only thing waiting for me on Christmas morning was the phone call from him wishing us well before we get together to open gifts later in the afternoon. We used to call in the morning and wish each other Merry Christmas. He loved Christmas.
I know so many people struggling this Christmas with family illness and job loss, countless other things too - and I'm not belitting those worries, they were mine and some still are, but if you have a loved one with you this season - be so thankful, be so grateful for the time you have with them. Don't think about what might happen, what could happen next year, just love them and be with them. Enjoy the moment. I would do almost anything for those moments again.
They always say the first year of "Firsts" is the hardest. I'm beginning to see why. There are a lot of times I have to remind myself that he is gone. There are so many days, I go about my business and it hits me that he's not there to call. I talk to him in my head all the time. Crazy? Probably.
I'll continue to blubber and I'll continue to talk to my Dad in my head and I'll get through Christmas. Not only "get through", but enjoy it. I'll enjoy my kids. Dad would expect no less. He would probably be mad at me for getting upset right now. He would say, "come on kid, buck up!". Gonna do that, in about two more kleenexes.
I find that the closer I get to Christmas, the more I'm blubbering. Every little thing sets me off. A Christmas card that someone writes in. A commercial. A news clip about a Dad surprising his daughter in school arriving home from deployment. It all hits me.
I am so blessed. My kids are so psyched about Christmas. It's awesome. They all "get" it this year. It's going to be a great morning.
I wish, with all my heart, that the only thing waiting for me on Christmas morning was the phone call from him wishing us well before we get together to open gifts later in the afternoon. We used to call in the morning and wish each other Merry Christmas. He loved Christmas.
I know so many people struggling this Christmas with family illness and job loss, countless other things too - and I'm not belitting those worries, they were mine and some still are, but if you have a loved one with you this season - be so thankful, be so grateful for the time you have with them. Don't think about what might happen, what could happen next year, just love them and be with them. Enjoy the moment. I would do almost anything for those moments again.
They always say the first year of "Firsts" is the hardest. I'm beginning to see why. There are a lot of times I have to remind myself that he is gone. There are so many days, I go about my business and it hits me that he's not there to call. I talk to him in my head all the time. Crazy? Probably.
I'll continue to blubber and I'll continue to talk to my Dad in my head and I'll get through Christmas. Not only "get through", but enjoy it. I'll enjoy my kids. Dad would expect no less. He would probably be mad at me for getting upset right now. He would say, "come on kid, buck up!". Gonna do that, in about two more kleenexes.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Christmas Letter 2010
Dear Friends & Family,
In a year so filled with ups and downs culminating ultimately in extreme grief one late August evening with the passing of my Dad from leukemia, we struggled with what to say this year, or to even say anything at all. So, with that, we debated on this letter. Carl offered to write it for us and I was conceding. I wasn’t sure what good was to be remembered about 2010, but upon thinking more, I realized, there was so much. So many blessings to recall, so many people to thank, it was a year full of unexpected sadness coupled with a year full of love and generosity, faith and friendship. So, here we go.
Quinn turned 8 in February, a week after my Dad’s diagnosis. She continued in dance this year, made her First Communion with all her family and Grandparents present in May, joined the Fenton Swim team and had her dance recital in June. She played softball again, too. In August, she started third grade and volleyball right after that. Her latest sports endeavor is basketball this winter. She has grown into a tall, tweenie bopper with bangs that are growing out and in her eyes (just to drive me crazy). I’m sure, she will continue to “delight” us in the coming year.
Lydia turned 5 in May. She also continued in dance this year having her recital with Quinn in June. She played softball for the second year in a row and took swimming lessons this summer. In August, she started kindergarten! She continued speech twice a week at school and also became a Daisy Girl Scout with Mom as one of her leaders. She never ceases to amaze us as she grows into such an independent little girl.
William and Hayden turned three in July. We visited Dad that day in the hospital so he could give them their presents. They took swim lessons this summer and got carted around to softball practices, swim meets and the like – as usual. In August, they started their second year of preschool and they LOVE IT. William also continued in a speech program. They started Dance with their big sisters in September. Who knows if William will continue into the next year with it, but he has enjoyed it so far. They are growing up way too fast for us!
Throughout this year, we’ve had friends and family helping us to get by – babysitting for us so we could be with my Dad as much as possible. We’ll never forget those gifts because it gave us such a treasure - time. People prayed for us, for my family, sent their blessings, sent cards, called, brought food, and visited. In life’s journey we all struggle with various circumstances, but to have a year like ours from the start and to end with the joyous and blessed season of Christmas, we feel a little like the wise men searching for a star, wondering what will happen to us next, and asking where do we go from here; a little lost. We choose to focus on the blessings of the season and more than anything, the love we have to give one another, here and now. My heart is comforted knowing that my fiercest guardian on earth is now in heaven. My Dad, is watching over my children throughout their days now, so in closing we say God Bless, Merry Christmas. We wish the spirits of your past to visit you this season bearing gifts of glory from heaven, memories of wonderful days gone by, and hope for the future. I know my Dad’s spirit will be with us throughout. Love ya, Dad.
In a year so filled with ups and downs culminating ultimately in extreme grief one late August evening with the passing of my Dad from leukemia, we struggled with what to say this year, or to even say anything at all. So, with that, we debated on this letter. Carl offered to write it for us and I was conceding. I wasn’t sure what good was to be remembered about 2010, but upon thinking more, I realized, there was so much. So many blessings to recall, so many people to thank, it was a year full of unexpected sadness coupled with a year full of love and generosity, faith and friendship. So, here we go.
Quinn turned 8 in February, a week after my Dad’s diagnosis. She continued in dance this year, made her First Communion with all her family and Grandparents present in May, joined the Fenton Swim team and had her dance recital in June. She played softball again, too. In August, she started third grade and volleyball right after that. Her latest sports endeavor is basketball this winter. She has grown into a tall, tweenie bopper with bangs that are growing out and in her eyes (just to drive me crazy). I’m sure, she will continue to “delight” us in the coming year.
Lydia turned 5 in May. She also continued in dance this year having her recital with Quinn in June. She played softball for the second year in a row and took swimming lessons this summer. In August, she started kindergarten! She continued speech twice a week at school and also became a Daisy Girl Scout with Mom as one of her leaders. She never ceases to amaze us as she grows into such an independent little girl.
William and Hayden turned three in July. We visited Dad that day in the hospital so he could give them their presents. They took swim lessons this summer and got carted around to softball practices, swim meets and the like – as usual. In August, they started their second year of preschool and they LOVE IT. William also continued in a speech program. They started Dance with their big sisters in September. Who knows if William will continue into the next year with it, but he has enjoyed it so far. They are growing up way too fast for us!
Throughout this year, we’ve had friends and family helping us to get by – babysitting for us so we could be with my Dad as much as possible. We’ll never forget those gifts because it gave us such a treasure - time. People prayed for us, for my family, sent their blessings, sent cards, called, brought food, and visited. In life’s journey we all struggle with various circumstances, but to have a year like ours from the start and to end with the joyous and blessed season of Christmas, we feel a little like the wise men searching for a star, wondering what will happen to us next, and asking where do we go from here; a little lost. We choose to focus on the blessings of the season and more than anything, the love we have to give one another, here and now. My heart is comforted knowing that my fiercest guardian on earth is now in heaven. My Dad, is watching over my children throughout their days now, so in closing we say God Bless, Merry Christmas. We wish the spirits of your past to visit you this season bearing gifts of glory from heaven, memories of wonderful days gone by, and hope for the future. I know my Dad’s spirit will be with us throughout. Love ya, Dad.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Dear Blog
Dear Blog,
I have not abandoned you. It may seem like it, but really I've been ignoring you like my three year old does when the TV is on and he's watching Dinosaur Train. I haven't really been inattentive, you've been in the back of my mind lately, but I've been busy.
I've had friends having babies, kids running to and fro and the onset of the holiday season has stripped me of my free time to write with you. On top of that, silly me, I thought we could redecorate the three kids' rooms and move the four of them all around. What a silly notion!? My upstairs looks like a tornado hit.
Decorating for Christmas may not even happen at this rate. You should not feel too bad, though, I've also been ignoring my craft addiction and all the projects I thought I would have time for this year too, especially for gifts. Oh well.
Today, I'm doing laundry in droves and in slips thoughts of my Dad to wreck my okay mood on the eve of Thanksgiving. I'm not feeling too thankful, but I know I have a lot to be grateful for.
Let's go with that.
I'm thankful for...
My kids
My husband
My family
My dog
My faith
My friends
Well, that's it for now. Hope to see you before 2011. We'll see how the month goes from here.
I have not abandoned you. It may seem like it, but really I've been ignoring you like my three year old does when the TV is on and he's watching Dinosaur Train. I haven't really been inattentive, you've been in the back of my mind lately, but I've been busy.
I've had friends having babies, kids running to and fro and the onset of the holiday season has stripped me of my free time to write with you. On top of that, silly me, I thought we could redecorate the three kids' rooms and move the four of them all around. What a silly notion!? My upstairs looks like a tornado hit.
Decorating for Christmas may not even happen at this rate. You should not feel too bad, though, I've also been ignoring my craft addiction and all the projects I thought I would have time for this year too, especially for gifts. Oh well.
Today, I'm doing laundry in droves and in slips thoughts of my Dad to wreck my okay mood on the eve of Thanksgiving. I'm not feeling too thankful, but I know I have a lot to be grateful for.
Let's go with that.
I'm thankful for...
My kids
My husband
My family
My dog
My faith
My friends
Well, that's it for now. Hope to see you before 2011. We'll see how the month goes from here.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
November already and 2010 can't end fast enough
Ever feel like - How did I get here already? I mean, where did my year go? I can barely remember yesterday and I wonder where did the 10 months before it go?
Trick or Treating went great! The kids had a lot of fun!
I feel like the next two months will fly by and as much as I kind of wish they would so I can just "get through" it, I also have so much to do, that I need MORE TIME.
I guess everyone feels like that with the holidays. I wish I could be more excited for them and more geared up to go out and spread cheer, but I could really care less right now.
Hopefully, I'll find that Holiday spirit somewhere along the way.
Maybe it's too early still.
I have a lot of prayers going up lately. First - my friends with cancer in their lives (whether it's their own or a relatives) - all my blessings and prayers to you. Second, and as importantly, to my friends the Welsch's - God Bless that baby you'll be bringing home soon! Can't wait to hear about your son's arrival.
The only funny story I have to relate was Quinn's Saint presentation she gave on Monday in PSR. She chose St. Elizabeth of Hungary. She insisted the Saint was St. Elizabeth of the Hungry because she fed the poor. It took all my convincing to get her to believe Hungary is a country and that's why she is "of Hungary". Her report even had that in it ! The main reason she chose her was because she was a Princess and it's my middle name. It was pretty funny, though!
November Blessings to you!
Trick or Treating went great! The kids had a lot of fun!
I feel like the next two months will fly by and as much as I kind of wish they would so I can just "get through" it, I also have so much to do, that I need MORE TIME.
I guess everyone feels like that with the holidays. I wish I could be more excited for them and more geared up to go out and spread cheer, but I could really care less right now.
Hopefully, I'll find that Holiday spirit somewhere along the way.
Maybe it's too early still.
I have a lot of prayers going up lately. First - my friends with cancer in their lives (whether it's their own or a relatives) - all my blessings and prayers to you. Second, and as importantly, to my friends the Welsch's - God Bless that baby you'll be bringing home soon! Can't wait to hear about your son's arrival.
The only funny story I have to relate was Quinn's Saint presentation she gave on Monday in PSR. She chose St. Elizabeth of Hungary. She insisted the Saint was St. Elizabeth of the Hungry because she fed the poor. It took all my convincing to get her to believe Hungary is a country and that's why she is "of Hungary". Her report even had that in it ! The main reason she chose her was because she was a Princess and it's my middle name. It was pretty funny, though!
November Blessings to you!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Raining
It's been two months and I think it gets harder the further from that moment I get. I miss him. I miss seeing him at his house. I was there last evening and as I do when I go there, I go to my parents bedroom which is the last place he and I spoke and the last place I saw him. I stand there everytime waiting for something. His ashes are on his dresser (for now). His photo is throughout the room. I can still see his form in bed asleep or talking with me, but he's not really there. Before I know it, the tears are falling off my cheeks while I'm lost in thought. I want to feel close again to him. I want him to say, "come here!" for a hug. I want him to be here.
I just want my Dad.
I'm glad it's raining tonight so the full moon isn't visible. Full moons and cool evenings bring back the moment I walked out of the house to go home the night my Dad died. I looked up to the brightest, fullest, globe in the night sky and felt the cool breeze of a storm coming across my face. It's one of those moments you never forget. I remember thinking maybe my Dad had something to do with the change in the weather and the wind was his good night kiss to me across my cheek. Crazy.
I just want my Dad.
I'm glad it's raining tonight so the full moon isn't visible. Full moons and cool evenings bring back the moment I walked out of the house to go home the night my Dad died. I looked up to the brightest, fullest, globe in the night sky and felt the cool breeze of a storm coming across my face. It's one of those moments you never forget. I remember thinking maybe my Dad had something to do with the change in the weather and the wind was his good night kiss to me across my cheek. Crazy.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Damn disease
I kind of feel like I'm being bombarded. I'm playing a game of Battleship and all the ships around me have been hit and I'm waiting to be torpedoed. Who am I kidding? I've already been hit, but my ship hasn't quite sunk yet.
Cancer.
Damn disease.
I am praying for all my friends fighting it, for all my friends with loved ones living it, and for all my family who have succumbed to it. God grant us peace from this illness.
Not a very cheery post, but I think every diagnosis I hear of hits me hard, brings me back to my Dad's diagnosis on February 3rd - makes me relive my loss. Selish? Probably.
I miss him.
Tomorrow is Grandparents day at school and my kids are blessed to have three grandparents attending. I just wish it was four.
Cancer.
Damn disease.
I am praying for all my friends fighting it, for all my friends with loved ones living it, and for all my family who have succumbed to it. God grant us peace from this illness.
Not a very cheery post, but I think every diagnosis I hear of hits me hard, brings me back to my Dad's diagnosis on February 3rd - makes me relive my loss. Selish? Probably.
I miss him.
Tomorrow is Grandparents day at school and my kids are blessed to have three grandparents attending. I just wish it was four.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Post on demand
My fans have requested an update and so I must oblige! Ha ha ha!
Here goes!
Sunday, Quinn bit into pretzel and jarred her lower incisor loose. It was a little wiggly to start, but she really popped it eating that pretzel. All day, she couldn't leave it alone and finally on Monday morning, she yanked it out. She said she couldn't stand going to school with it hanging in her mouth. Great! Monday night she told me to remind the tooth fairy to come and she placed her tooth on her dresser with a note. I told her, "No worries! I'll tell her to stop by!".
Of course, the dang tooth fairy forgot to come! I think there is probably another post somewhere in my blog about this darned tooth fairy forgetting at least one other time. I told Quinn we needed to fire her then and I guess I was right!
So, Quinn gets up Tuesday very disappointed that her four quarters are nowhere in sight and the knarly tooth is still sitting on her dresser. Thinking fast, I told her, "you know what? It frosted last night. I am betting that the tooth fairy's wings weren't up to speed because of the frost, so she didn't get all her teeth picked up." I went on and elaborated, "you know how wasps and bees can't fly at night because of the cold. Same for tooth fairy's!" She seemed to buy it. I said, "It's going to be nice and warm today. I bet she makes up her flight pattern and stops in sometime this morning or afternoon before you get home from school." Quinn said, "really?" and smiled. I said, "Sure! I have errands to run , so I bet she comes while I'm gone!" Sure enough, that tooth fairy did come while I was gone (wink, wink).
Quinn got home from school and checked on her tooth, found the quarters, and exclaimed, "MOM! I know you're the tooth fairy!" I said, "What?!" very incredulously. She said, "I wrote her a note and she wrote back. There is no way the tooth fairy could hold that big pencil and write so big on my paper!" I said, "Hey! You believe in magic, right!?" and she said, "Yes." and I said, "Then I am not the tooth fairy!" and left it at that.
We have had many talks about the tooth fairy and how we have been assigned the cheap one. We haven't figured out how the routing works at tooth fairy world, but it seems there are some weird boundaries on our street due to the variation in rewards given for each tooth collected. Our poor tooth fairy has had such a bad rep for so long, my kids just believe we got the slacker.
Oh well, when you're keeping up so many persona's (i.e. Santa, Tooth Fairy, Mom, Chauffeur, Girl Scout leader, Great Pumpkin, Leprechaun, and Easter Bunny), one is sure to suffer!
Have a great weekend!
Hugs and prayers to all who are fighting cancer in my life. You are always in my heart.
Here goes!
Sunday, Quinn bit into pretzel and jarred her lower incisor loose. It was a little wiggly to start, but she really popped it eating that pretzel. All day, she couldn't leave it alone and finally on Monday morning, she yanked it out. She said she couldn't stand going to school with it hanging in her mouth. Great! Monday night she told me to remind the tooth fairy to come and she placed her tooth on her dresser with a note. I told her, "No worries! I'll tell her to stop by!".
Of course, the dang tooth fairy forgot to come! I think there is probably another post somewhere in my blog about this darned tooth fairy forgetting at least one other time. I told Quinn we needed to fire her then and I guess I was right!
So, Quinn gets up Tuesday very disappointed that her four quarters are nowhere in sight and the knarly tooth is still sitting on her dresser. Thinking fast, I told her, "you know what? It frosted last night. I am betting that the tooth fairy's wings weren't up to speed because of the frost, so she didn't get all her teeth picked up." I went on and elaborated, "you know how wasps and bees can't fly at night because of the cold. Same for tooth fairy's!" She seemed to buy it. I said, "It's going to be nice and warm today. I bet she makes up her flight pattern and stops in sometime this morning or afternoon before you get home from school." Quinn said, "really?" and smiled. I said, "Sure! I have errands to run , so I bet she comes while I'm gone!" Sure enough, that tooth fairy did come while I was gone (wink, wink).
Quinn got home from school and checked on her tooth, found the quarters, and exclaimed, "MOM! I know you're the tooth fairy!" I said, "What?!" very incredulously. She said, "I wrote her a note and she wrote back. There is no way the tooth fairy could hold that big pencil and write so big on my paper!" I said, "Hey! You believe in magic, right!?" and she said, "Yes." and I said, "Then I am not the tooth fairy!" and left it at that.
We have had many talks about the tooth fairy and how we have been assigned the cheap one. We haven't figured out how the routing works at tooth fairy world, but it seems there are some weird boundaries on our street due to the variation in rewards given for each tooth collected. Our poor tooth fairy has had such a bad rep for so long, my kids just believe we got the slacker.
Oh well, when you're keeping up so many persona's (i.e. Santa, Tooth Fairy, Mom, Chauffeur, Girl Scout leader, Great Pumpkin, Leprechaun, and Easter Bunny), one is sure to suffer!
Have a great weekend!
Hugs and prayers to all who are fighting cancer in my life. You are always in my heart.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
10:45 pm - Mind Racing
I am so tired but my mind is racing I can't go to sleep. So, I'll blog for a minute.
Tomorrow is a month since my Dad passed. I thought I was doing okay, but having just surfaced from falling apart for a bit, I guess I'm muddling through. I miss him so much. I can only imagine what my Mom is feeling. She's so strong and doing so well - but I know she is tired and grieving too.
Tomorrow night she and I are participating in the Light the Night walk for Leukemia at Forest Park with another family from Quinn's school who lost a relative in July to Leukemia. It's our way of doing something good on the one month anniversary of something sad.
I feel like everything in my world is a little off kilter right now and the more I try to take control, the worse it gets. I tried to get more involved in my church by volunteering and that didn't exactly work out. I volunteered to help with Girl Scouts for Lydia and that's now a complete cluster. So instead of preoccupying myself with new adventures, I have a lot more chaos going on. I know in another month, hopefully, things will look better and calm down a bit, but right now, it all seems pretty messy.
I hate messy. I like order. I know kids are messy, life is messy, but in my world, messy doesn't jive with my schedule. I have no time for messy.
I sound ridiculous. Lately, looking at myself and seeing who I am, I'm not entirely happy with it. I can do better. I am a good person, but I know I can be better. I feel like I have no time to work on me and that is frustrating too. How do working Moms do it? How to they balance all that I balance and work? It's a mystery to me. I can barely hold together what I do have up in the air right now and I think, someday I'll have this and work too. What is going to happen then? I guess, I'll survive and be pretty messy!
Tomorrow is a month since my Dad passed. I thought I was doing okay, but having just surfaced from falling apart for a bit, I guess I'm muddling through. I miss him so much. I can only imagine what my Mom is feeling. She's so strong and doing so well - but I know she is tired and grieving too.
Tomorrow night she and I are participating in the Light the Night walk for Leukemia at Forest Park with another family from Quinn's school who lost a relative in July to Leukemia. It's our way of doing something good on the one month anniversary of something sad.
I feel like everything in my world is a little off kilter right now and the more I try to take control, the worse it gets. I tried to get more involved in my church by volunteering and that didn't exactly work out. I volunteered to help with Girl Scouts for Lydia and that's now a complete cluster. So instead of preoccupying myself with new adventures, I have a lot more chaos going on. I know in another month, hopefully, things will look better and calm down a bit, but right now, it all seems pretty messy.
I hate messy. I like order. I know kids are messy, life is messy, but in my world, messy doesn't jive with my schedule. I have no time for messy.
I sound ridiculous. Lately, looking at myself and seeing who I am, I'm not entirely happy with it. I can do better. I am a good person, but I know I can be better. I feel like I have no time to work on me and that is frustrating too. How do working Moms do it? How to they balance all that I balance and work? It's a mystery to me. I can barely hold together what I do have up in the air right now and I think, someday I'll have this and work too. What is going to happen then? I guess, I'll survive and be pretty messy!
Friday, September 17, 2010
What is Up
Here's what is going on in our world lately.
Quinn is gearing up for her first Girl Scout camping trip next weekend. She is loving volleyball and doing really well in third grade. They are learning directions and continents. I don't think I was learning that stuff in third grade.
Lydia is getting ready to start Girl Scouts in a week or so. I am a co-leader to her troop, so we're both going to be learning a lot! She is doing great in Kindergarten and has a new found love of writing letters - all letters, in any order. Then she asks, "what word is that?" Usually, it's something like "xehditeofj" and I say, oh! That says, "I love you!" or something. She's cute, but she gets herself in so much trouble lately at home. I can't keep up with her.
Will is a little under the weather the past couple days, but otherwise his crazy busy. He goes to speech four days a week and preschool twice a week. That all keeps him going.
Hayden is my little bug who just goes with the flow. She gets dragged around town for her brother's speech and her sister, Lydia's, speech as well, not to mention sports and scouts. She has developed a huge fashion opinion and can take 5 minutes to pick out a dress for the day. Talk about driving me nuts!
Next Friday Mom and I are walking in the Light the Night walk to benefit leukemia and all blood cancers. We have joined a team of one of Quinn's classmates this year - who lost a relative in July to leukemia as well. Next year we will probably have our own team, so look for that info next summer!
We're all managing our worlds without Dad in it. Will has a hard time especially understanding where his PeePa is. He had an appointment at Childrens' this week and the past two times we went for this appointment, we saw my Dad at Barnes next door. So....naturally he asked when we got there if we were going to see him. I said, "no" and he asked, "why?" and I tried to explain that PeePa is in Heaven with Jesus. He gets more confused the more I talk. Then he asks, "PeePa sick?" or "I no see Peepa now?". It breaks my heart everytime we have this conversation and there is no good way to have him understand. I am afraid he thinks PeePa just left him and he feels abandoned. He loved my Dad so much. They were going to be buddies growing up for sure. I just knew it. I hope he keeps my Dad with him forever.
Okay, off the Dad subject. I am not going to dwell.....it will be four weeks on Tuesday.
Quinn is gearing up for her first Girl Scout camping trip next weekend. She is loving volleyball and doing really well in third grade. They are learning directions and continents. I don't think I was learning that stuff in third grade.
Lydia is getting ready to start Girl Scouts in a week or so. I am a co-leader to her troop, so we're both going to be learning a lot! She is doing great in Kindergarten and has a new found love of writing letters - all letters, in any order. Then she asks, "what word is that?" Usually, it's something like "xehditeofj" and I say, oh! That says, "I love you!" or something. She's cute, but she gets herself in so much trouble lately at home. I can't keep up with her.
Will is a little under the weather the past couple days, but otherwise his crazy busy. He goes to speech four days a week and preschool twice a week. That all keeps him going.
Hayden is my little bug who just goes with the flow. She gets dragged around town for her brother's speech and her sister, Lydia's, speech as well, not to mention sports and scouts. She has developed a huge fashion opinion and can take 5 minutes to pick out a dress for the day. Talk about driving me nuts!
Next Friday Mom and I are walking in the Light the Night walk to benefit leukemia and all blood cancers. We have joined a team of one of Quinn's classmates this year - who lost a relative in July to leukemia as well. Next year we will probably have our own team, so look for that info next summer!
We're all managing our worlds without Dad in it. Will has a hard time especially understanding where his PeePa is. He had an appointment at Childrens' this week and the past two times we went for this appointment, we saw my Dad at Barnes next door. So....naturally he asked when we got there if we were going to see him. I said, "no" and he asked, "why?" and I tried to explain that PeePa is in Heaven with Jesus. He gets more confused the more I talk. Then he asks, "PeePa sick?" or "I no see Peepa now?". It breaks my heart everytime we have this conversation and there is no good way to have him understand. I am afraid he thinks PeePa just left him and he feels abandoned. He loved my Dad so much. They were going to be buddies growing up for sure. I just knew it. I hope he keeps my Dad with him forever.
Okay, off the Dad subject. I am not going to dwell.....it will be four weeks on Tuesday.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Twinkle Toes
Last night was the first night of dance class for the three girls. They were so excited and got to the studio, changed shoes, and rushed in to their classes - leaving poor Will in their dust. He was not happy. He got upset in the hallway of the studio wanting to go into Hayden's class with her. I talked to the teacher, also the owner of the studio, and asked if he could just try the class out and see how he does. She said, "of course!".
He loved it. He did everything they asked, paid attention, waited patiently when he had to and ran, jumped, danced and leaped to his heart's content. So, I guess we're going to have four dancers in the family now. I need to get him a shirt that says, "Dude, I dance." or "I love dinosaurs and dance" - something cute and manly. I know if he continues, I'll have to get some manly shoes because pink ballet and tan tap shoes from his sisters aren't going to cut it.
It was adorable and I never thought I would have a son in a dance class, but it is really good for his clubbed feet which give him some balance trouble and coordination issues. Oh well - Fred Astaire eat your heart out.
He loved it. He did everything they asked, paid attention, waited patiently when he had to and ran, jumped, danced and leaped to his heart's content. So, I guess we're going to have four dancers in the family now. I need to get him a shirt that says, "Dude, I dance." or "I love dinosaurs and dance" - something cute and manly. I know if he continues, I'll have to get some manly shoes because pink ballet and tan tap shoes from his sisters aren't going to cut it.
It was adorable and I never thought I would have a son in a dance class, but it is really good for his clubbed feet which give him some balance trouble and coordination issues. Oh well - Fred Astaire eat your heart out.
Monday, September 6, 2010
a fortnight
Tomorrow will be two weeks since my Dad's death. It was the end of his journey, maybe, but the beginning of a long one for the rest of us here. We are all feeling our way without him. I am really lost as to where to go with this blog even. It's been devoted to him for so long. I know the antidotes about my kids are as amusing, but even relating their stories right now seems so trivial. I know, trivial gets us through. It makes us laugh. I do laugh - a lot.
I guess we all keep doing what we always do - the daily ins and outs of life, but all the while, in the back of my mind is the fact that he's gone and when I don't dwell on it, I can forget and still trip myself up with - I have to go to the hospital today or give Dad a call - then I remember and the floods burst. I feel pretty out of control.
I miss him. I do - so much. I can hear his voice in my head and I laugh, I smile at what he says to me. It sounds crazy. I have accepted that I can't change this and I can't go back - only forward, but I wonder a lot how well I'm going to be able to do that.
Today is labor day, the end of summer. I remember at Memorial Day seeing Dad in the hospital and then at July 4th, the same. The three patriotic holidays of summer have come and gone - so has my Dad. Now Fall, looms. I usually love that season and relish the change. Right now, it only beckons the holidays and a box of kleenex.
I guess we all keep doing what we always do - the daily ins and outs of life, but all the while, in the back of my mind is the fact that he's gone and when I don't dwell on it, I can forget and still trip myself up with - I have to go to the hospital today or give Dad a call - then I remember and the floods burst. I feel pretty out of control.
I miss him. I do - so much. I can hear his voice in my head and I laugh, I smile at what he says to me. It sounds crazy. I have accepted that I can't change this and I can't go back - only forward, but I wonder a lot how well I'm going to be able to do that.
Today is labor day, the end of summer. I remember at Memorial Day seeing Dad in the hospital and then at July 4th, the same. The three patriotic holidays of summer have come and gone - so has my Dad. Now Fall, looms. I usually love that season and relish the change. Right now, it only beckons the holidays and a box of kleenex.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Finishing the Journey
I published a bunch of posts from the past week or so that I kept private regarding the end of my Dad's journey. I just wasn't sure if I wanted them out there for everyone. Then I decided tonight that it wouldn't be right to leave them out because his journey needed a voice at the end too, even if those posts were the truest to my heart and the most personal.
Enjoy them, cry with me, remember to laugh too. My Dad would want nothing less.
He was wrapped in angel's wings and taken home last Tuesday, but he'll forever be in our home here on earth too. Love ya Dad.
Enjoy them, cry with me, remember to laugh too. My Dad would want nothing less.
He was wrapped in angel's wings and taken home last Tuesday, but he'll forever be in our home here on earth too. Love ya Dad.
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