My goal in life used to be to have a tombstone that people all over wanted to come and read or visit (you know, like Elvis). I know, it was a lofty goal. I don't know if I thought I was going to be a famous musician or a historic figure, but I felt destined for greatness. I still, sometimes, feel like I was meant for....more.
It's a hard thing to explain and I feel selfish even trying. I feel like I should be saying that my only goal in life, my purpose on earth, is to raise my children and they are the treasures of my world. I feel like I should say, my greatest accomplishment in life, are my children. What I want to say, is of course, I love my children, want the best possible life for them, and do feel they are one of my greatest triumphs, but they are not the only purpose to my life.
Am I abnormal thinking these thoughts? Am I the only one who is in the midst of their life and is thinking, "I always thought I would be more"? It is very frustrating. I wish I was more content. I wish I was more "June Cleaver". I doubt June had these dilemmas. I guess, I feel a little impatient. I feel like the world is racing by me and I'm getting a little left behind. It is so hard to know rationally that you are in the best place at this exact moment in time for your family and yourself, but to feel like you're missing out on something.
It's a hard thing to explain and I feel selfish even trying. I feel like I should be saying that my only goal in life, my purpose on earth, is to raise my children and they are the treasures of my world. I feel like I should say, my greatest accomplishment in life, are my children. What I want to say, is of course, I love my children, want the best possible life for them, and do feel they are one of my greatest triumphs, but they are not the only purpose to my life.
Am I abnormal thinking these thoughts? Am I the only one who is in the midst of their life and is thinking, "I always thought I would be more"? It is very frustrating. I wish I was more content. I wish I was more "June Cleaver". I doubt June had these dilemmas. I guess, I feel a little impatient. I feel like the world is racing by me and I'm getting a little left behind. It is so hard to know rationally that you are in the best place at this exact moment in time for your family and yourself, but to feel like you're missing out on something.
I was raised into the dichotomy of a womans' world; acquire an amazing education, possess a great job, make money, and on the other side, be a wife and a Mom, stay at home, sacrifice for your family. I almost wonder if I should spare my daughters this struggle and just teach them to be June Cleaver - simpler is better. Lower expectations leads to less disatisfaction. If you don't know what you're missing, you can't miss it.
Bear with me people - of course, I would never do that. It just presents and interesting question. I sometimes wish I had lower expectations of myself so that I could find greater contentment in my daily life. I, however, don't have that luxury, so I will continue to struggle with this identity crisis, possibly forever. I have a feeling, I will not be one of those people who, on their deathbed, can say "I can go now, I'm content with my life - I've done what I set out to do." I intend to go kicking and screaming, so I know that will not be me. Maybe my tombstone will read, "She left with her boots on to continue kicking some ass". I can only hope.
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