Surgery

Well after fighting to avoid surgery for six months, I am finally succumbing because I have no choice. I can't stand up, I can't sleep in my bed, I can't function, so it's time to do it. I have three herniated discs in my lower back that are invading my spinal canal. There's not much I can do except get it done, do as I'm told and recover with dilligence so that I don't have to do this again.

In that effort, I admit to needing a lot of help. I've set up a calendar at the below site for my friends and family to access and help. Mostly, it's very little time commitment, but it means the world to me. Thanks for all you do for me and my family.

Love,
Adrienne

To access Adrienne Vonder Haar's personal CareCalendar site,
visit http://www.carecalendar.org/logon/23426 and enter the following
information in the appropriate spaces:

CALENDAR ID : 23426
SECURITY CODE : 6637

Get A Heart

A friend of mine had a scare with her child this week and she was telling me that after it all worked out and the child is fine, she realized that nothing else matters in the scheme of things except that her little girl was okay. All the stress she'd been under at home and at work paled in comparison to the way she felt worrying about her daughter. She said she wished she had more time to really be thankful for what she did have in this world instead of worrying about what she didn't have or thought she didn't have.

She said that she wished she had more time to "give back" because she really felt like she had been given a gift in the outcome of this situation with her child and that doing something to show her gratitude for this felt like the right thing to do.

I agreed with her in that we don't take the time to sit and meditate on what is so RIGHT with our worlds and what is so WELL with our lives. We constantly dwell on what is UNDONE, what is WRONG, what is UNJUST or ILL. I often wonder how well equipped I am for tragedy, disease, heartache. I think the stronger your heart, the better you are prepared to deal with life's unexpected twists and turns. I don't mean that you have a good cardiovascular system (although that helps!), but that you've strengthened your heart by doing good, living well, treating people fair and loving a lot. Having a strong heart, having HEART - it matters.

Liar Liar Pants On Fire

Okay, so tonight - it all starts over again. I had hoped that promoting to another grade level would mean that Quinn's "anxiety" would improve. She gets so tired and then something happens and from there it's a downward spiral and our conversation ends up with me feeling like the worst Mom in the world. She lied about something this evening, I found out and grounded her tomorrow. Then she poked at her sister because she was mad at me and got grounded through the week. Then she starts with the, "I hate school!" tirade followed by "you hate me" and "you're so mean!" and "I'm not going to sleep!".

She says she is in an all boys line in gym all the time, she sits next to boys in music and always has to share the keyboard with a boy. She says she is having trouble on the playground finding her friends and they all want to play without her. She says she doesn't like her assigned lunch table and/or her assigned table in the classroom. One thing rolls into another until she's bawling and then says, "I hate second grade! I am not talking to the priest or making my First Communion!". AHHA! Anxiety from PSR tonight. They are starting to prepare for their First Reconciliation and part of that is going Face to Face with the priest. She's totally going to bail on this, and I don't blame her, really.

She then says, she has no one to talk to and won't tell me stuff because she's embarrassed (okay, red flag!). I'm like, what stuff? She says, nothing. I tell her you can tell me anything, I may get upset, but I'll always love you and I want to know about things that go on in her life. It's so HARD TO PARENT - nobody said this was in the job description!

She gets herself so worked up that I don't know if I should just put her to bed crying (which insinuates that I don't care) or lay with her and talk (which ends up escalating in topic until she's mad that the sky is blue practically). I always walk away going - I have no idea what I just did or if it was remotely effective. I also envision me in 10 years dealing with a depressed teenager and wondering what I should have done NOW to head that off at the pass. Is she just dramatic? Is she really just that sensitive? Is she in need of something, like counseling? I don't know!

It makes me so sad. She seems happy most of the time, but then episodes like this make me think there's more to it and I'm not giving her what she needs. She's been saying lately how she wishes she was an only child and that she liked it better before siblings. Is all of this just a cry for attention? I feel like I give her plenty, but maybe she needs something else? Parenting is such a blind leading the blind thing - I mean even the experts don't really know what the heck they're doing. Maybe I am the meanest Mom in the world. I guess I have that going for me.