I am so tired but my mind is racing I can't go to sleep. So, I'll blog for a minute.
Tomorrow is a month since my Dad passed. I thought I was doing okay, but having just surfaced from falling apart for a bit, I guess I'm muddling through. I miss him so much. I can only imagine what my Mom is feeling. She's so strong and doing so well - but I know she is tired and grieving too.
Tomorrow night she and I are participating in the Light the Night walk for Leukemia at Forest Park with another family from Quinn's school who lost a relative in July to Leukemia. It's our way of doing something good on the one month anniversary of something sad.
I feel like everything in my world is a little off kilter right now and the more I try to take control, the worse it gets. I tried to get more involved in my church by volunteering and that didn't exactly work out. I volunteered to help with Girl Scouts for Lydia and that's now a complete cluster. So instead of preoccupying myself with new adventures, I have a lot more chaos going on. I know in another month, hopefully, things will look better and calm down a bit, but right now, it all seems pretty messy.
I hate messy. I like order. I know kids are messy, life is messy, but in my world, messy doesn't jive with my schedule. I have no time for messy.
I sound ridiculous. Lately, looking at myself and seeing who I am, I'm not entirely happy with it. I can do better. I am a good person, but I know I can be better. I feel like I have no time to work on me and that is frustrating too. How do working Moms do it? How to they balance all that I balance and work? It's a mystery to me. I can barely hold together what I do have up in the air right now and I think, someday I'll have this and work too. What is going to happen then? I guess, I'll survive and be pretty messy!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
What is Up
Here's what is going on in our world lately.
Quinn is gearing up for her first Girl Scout camping trip next weekend. She is loving volleyball and doing really well in third grade. They are learning directions and continents. I don't think I was learning that stuff in third grade.
Lydia is getting ready to start Girl Scouts in a week or so. I am a co-leader to her troop, so we're both going to be learning a lot! She is doing great in Kindergarten and has a new found love of writing letters - all letters, in any order. Then she asks, "what word is that?" Usually, it's something like "xehditeofj" and I say, oh! That says, "I love you!" or something. She's cute, but she gets herself in so much trouble lately at home. I can't keep up with her.
Will is a little under the weather the past couple days, but otherwise his crazy busy. He goes to speech four days a week and preschool twice a week. That all keeps him going.
Hayden is my little bug who just goes with the flow. She gets dragged around town for her brother's speech and her sister, Lydia's, speech as well, not to mention sports and scouts. She has developed a huge fashion opinion and can take 5 minutes to pick out a dress for the day. Talk about driving me nuts!
Next Friday Mom and I are walking in the Light the Night walk to benefit leukemia and all blood cancers. We have joined a team of one of Quinn's classmates this year - who lost a relative in July to leukemia as well. Next year we will probably have our own team, so look for that info next summer!
We're all managing our worlds without Dad in it. Will has a hard time especially understanding where his PeePa is. He had an appointment at Childrens' this week and the past two times we went for this appointment, we saw my Dad at Barnes next door. So....naturally he asked when we got there if we were going to see him. I said, "no" and he asked, "why?" and I tried to explain that PeePa is in Heaven with Jesus. He gets more confused the more I talk. Then he asks, "PeePa sick?" or "I no see Peepa now?". It breaks my heart everytime we have this conversation and there is no good way to have him understand. I am afraid he thinks PeePa just left him and he feels abandoned. He loved my Dad so much. They were going to be buddies growing up for sure. I just knew it. I hope he keeps my Dad with him forever.
Okay, off the Dad subject. I am not going to dwell.....it will be four weeks on Tuesday.
Quinn is gearing up for her first Girl Scout camping trip next weekend. She is loving volleyball and doing really well in third grade. They are learning directions and continents. I don't think I was learning that stuff in third grade.
Lydia is getting ready to start Girl Scouts in a week or so. I am a co-leader to her troop, so we're both going to be learning a lot! She is doing great in Kindergarten and has a new found love of writing letters - all letters, in any order. Then she asks, "what word is that?" Usually, it's something like "xehditeofj" and I say, oh! That says, "I love you!" or something. She's cute, but she gets herself in so much trouble lately at home. I can't keep up with her.
Will is a little under the weather the past couple days, but otherwise his crazy busy. He goes to speech four days a week and preschool twice a week. That all keeps him going.
Hayden is my little bug who just goes with the flow. She gets dragged around town for her brother's speech and her sister, Lydia's, speech as well, not to mention sports and scouts. She has developed a huge fashion opinion and can take 5 minutes to pick out a dress for the day. Talk about driving me nuts!
Next Friday Mom and I are walking in the Light the Night walk to benefit leukemia and all blood cancers. We have joined a team of one of Quinn's classmates this year - who lost a relative in July to leukemia as well. Next year we will probably have our own team, so look for that info next summer!
We're all managing our worlds without Dad in it. Will has a hard time especially understanding where his PeePa is. He had an appointment at Childrens' this week and the past two times we went for this appointment, we saw my Dad at Barnes next door. So....naturally he asked when we got there if we were going to see him. I said, "no" and he asked, "why?" and I tried to explain that PeePa is in Heaven with Jesus. He gets more confused the more I talk. Then he asks, "PeePa sick?" or "I no see Peepa now?". It breaks my heart everytime we have this conversation and there is no good way to have him understand. I am afraid he thinks PeePa just left him and he feels abandoned. He loved my Dad so much. They were going to be buddies growing up for sure. I just knew it. I hope he keeps my Dad with him forever.
Okay, off the Dad subject. I am not going to dwell.....it will be four weeks on Tuesday.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Twinkle Toes
Last night was the first night of dance class for the three girls. They were so excited and got to the studio, changed shoes, and rushed in to their classes - leaving poor Will in their dust. He was not happy. He got upset in the hallway of the studio wanting to go into Hayden's class with her. I talked to the teacher, also the owner of the studio, and asked if he could just try the class out and see how he does. She said, "of course!".
He loved it. He did everything they asked, paid attention, waited patiently when he had to and ran, jumped, danced and leaped to his heart's content. So, I guess we're going to have four dancers in the family now. I need to get him a shirt that says, "Dude, I dance." or "I love dinosaurs and dance" - something cute and manly. I know if he continues, I'll have to get some manly shoes because pink ballet and tan tap shoes from his sisters aren't going to cut it.
It was adorable and I never thought I would have a son in a dance class, but it is really good for his clubbed feet which give him some balance trouble and coordination issues. Oh well - Fred Astaire eat your heart out.
He loved it. He did everything they asked, paid attention, waited patiently when he had to and ran, jumped, danced and leaped to his heart's content. So, I guess we're going to have four dancers in the family now. I need to get him a shirt that says, "Dude, I dance." or "I love dinosaurs and dance" - something cute and manly. I know if he continues, I'll have to get some manly shoes because pink ballet and tan tap shoes from his sisters aren't going to cut it.
It was adorable and I never thought I would have a son in a dance class, but it is really good for his clubbed feet which give him some balance trouble and coordination issues. Oh well - Fred Astaire eat your heart out.
Monday, September 6, 2010
a fortnight
Tomorrow will be two weeks since my Dad's death. It was the end of his journey, maybe, but the beginning of a long one for the rest of us here. We are all feeling our way without him. I am really lost as to where to go with this blog even. It's been devoted to him for so long. I know the antidotes about my kids are as amusing, but even relating their stories right now seems so trivial. I know, trivial gets us through. It makes us laugh. I do laugh - a lot.
I guess we all keep doing what we always do - the daily ins and outs of life, but all the while, in the back of my mind is the fact that he's gone and when I don't dwell on it, I can forget and still trip myself up with - I have to go to the hospital today or give Dad a call - then I remember and the floods burst. I feel pretty out of control.
I miss him. I do - so much. I can hear his voice in my head and I laugh, I smile at what he says to me. It sounds crazy. I have accepted that I can't change this and I can't go back - only forward, but I wonder a lot how well I'm going to be able to do that.
Today is labor day, the end of summer. I remember at Memorial Day seeing Dad in the hospital and then at July 4th, the same. The three patriotic holidays of summer have come and gone - so has my Dad. Now Fall, looms. I usually love that season and relish the change. Right now, it only beckons the holidays and a box of kleenex.
I guess we all keep doing what we always do - the daily ins and outs of life, but all the while, in the back of my mind is the fact that he's gone and when I don't dwell on it, I can forget and still trip myself up with - I have to go to the hospital today or give Dad a call - then I remember and the floods burst. I feel pretty out of control.
I miss him. I do - so much. I can hear his voice in my head and I laugh, I smile at what he says to me. It sounds crazy. I have accepted that I can't change this and I can't go back - only forward, but I wonder a lot how well I'm going to be able to do that.
Today is labor day, the end of summer. I remember at Memorial Day seeing Dad in the hospital and then at July 4th, the same. The three patriotic holidays of summer have come and gone - so has my Dad. Now Fall, looms. I usually love that season and relish the change. Right now, it only beckons the holidays and a box of kleenex.
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