Some days, I have no where else to go but into the blank page of a new blog post that just welcomes my tears and sadness. It doesn't judge me or try to comfort me, it just lets me get it out and move on to the next minute.
I find that the closer I get to Christmas, the more I'm blubbering. Every little thing sets me off. A Christmas card that someone writes in. A commercial. A news clip about a Dad surprising his daughter in school arriving home from deployment. It all hits me.
I am so blessed. My kids are so psyched about Christmas. It's awesome. They all "get" it this year. It's going to be a great morning.
I wish, with all my heart, that the only thing waiting for me on Christmas morning was the phone call from him wishing us well before we get together to open gifts later in the afternoon. We used to call in the morning and wish each other Merry Christmas. He loved Christmas.
I know so many people struggling this Christmas with family illness and job loss, countless other things too - and I'm not belitting those worries, they were mine and some still are, but if you have a loved one with you this season - be so thankful, be so grateful for the time you have with them. Don't think about what might happen, what could happen next year, just love them and be with them. Enjoy the moment. I would do almost anything for those moments again.
They always say the first year of "Firsts" is the hardest. I'm beginning to see why. There are a lot of times I have to remind myself that he is gone. There are so many days, I go about my business and it hits me that he's not there to call. I talk to him in my head all the time. Crazy? Probably.
I'll continue to blubber and I'll continue to talk to my Dad in my head and I'll get through Christmas. Not only "get through", but enjoy it. I'll enjoy my kids. Dad would expect no less. He would probably be mad at me for getting upset right now. He would say, "come on kid, buck up!". Gonna do that, in about two more kleenexes.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Christmas Letter 2010
Dear Friends & Family,
In a year so filled with ups and downs culminating ultimately in extreme grief one late August evening with the passing of my Dad from leukemia, we struggled with what to say this year, or to even say anything at all. So, with that, we debated on this letter. Carl offered to write it for us and I was conceding. I wasn’t sure what good was to be remembered about 2010, but upon thinking more, I realized, there was so much. So many blessings to recall, so many people to thank, it was a year full of unexpected sadness coupled with a year full of love and generosity, faith and friendship. So, here we go.
Quinn turned 8 in February, a week after my Dad’s diagnosis. She continued in dance this year, made her First Communion with all her family and Grandparents present in May, joined the Fenton Swim team and had her dance recital in June. She played softball again, too. In August, she started third grade and volleyball right after that. Her latest sports endeavor is basketball this winter. She has grown into a tall, tweenie bopper with bangs that are growing out and in her eyes (just to drive me crazy). I’m sure, she will continue to “delight” us in the coming year.
Lydia turned 5 in May. She also continued in dance this year having her recital with Quinn in June. She played softball for the second year in a row and took swimming lessons this summer. In August, she started kindergarten! She continued speech twice a week at school and also became a Daisy Girl Scout with Mom as one of her leaders. She never ceases to amaze us as she grows into such an independent little girl.
William and Hayden turned three in July. We visited Dad that day in the hospital so he could give them their presents. They took swim lessons this summer and got carted around to softball practices, swim meets and the like – as usual. In August, they started their second year of preschool and they LOVE IT. William also continued in a speech program. They started Dance with their big sisters in September. Who knows if William will continue into the next year with it, but he has enjoyed it so far. They are growing up way too fast for us!
Throughout this year, we’ve had friends and family helping us to get by – babysitting for us so we could be with my Dad as much as possible. We’ll never forget those gifts because it gave us such a treasure - time. People prayed for us, for my family, sent their blessings, sent cards, called, brought food, and visited. In life’s journey we all struggle with various circumstances, but to have a year like ours from the start and to end with the joyous and blessed season of Christmas, we feel a little like the wise men searching for a star, wondering what will happen to us next, and asking where do we go from here; a little lost. We choose to focus on the blessings of the season and more than anything, the love we have to give one another, here and now. My heart is comforted knowing that my fiercest guardian on earth is now in heaven. My Dad, is watching over my children throughout their days now, so in closing we say God Bless, Merry Christmas. We wish the spirits of your past to visit you this season bearing gifts of glory from heaven, memories of wonderful days gone by, and hope for the future. I know my Dad’s spirit will be with us throughout. Love ya, Dad.
In a year so filled with ups and downs culminating ultimately in extreme grief one late August evening with the passing of my Dad from leukemia, we struggled with what to say this year, or to even say anything at all. So, with that, we debated on this letter. Carl offered to write it for us and I was conceding. I wasn’t sure what good was to be remembered about 2010, but upon thinking more, I realized, there was so much. So many blessings to recall, so many people to thank, it was a year full of unexpected sadness coupled with a year full of love and generosity, faith and friendship. So, here we go.
Quinn turned 8 in February, a week after my Dad’s diagnosis. She continued in dance this year, made her First Communion with all her family and Grandparents present in May, joined the Fenton Swim team and had her dance recital in June. She played softball again, too. In August, she started third grade and volleyball right after that. Her latest sports endeavor is basketball this winter. She has grown into a tall, tweenie bopper with bangs that are growing out and in her eyes (just to drive me crazy). I’m sure, she will continue to “delight” us in the coming year.
Lydia turned 5 in May. She also continued in dance this year having her recital with Quinn in June. She played softball for the second year in a row and took swimming lessons this summer. In August, she started kindergarten! She continued speech twice a week at school and also became a Daisy Girl Scout with Mom as one of her leaders. She never ceases to amaze us as she grows into such an independent little girl.
William and Hayden turned three in July. We visited Dad that day in the hospital so he could give them their presents. They took swim lessons this summer and got carted around to softball practices, swim meets and the like – as usual. In August, they started their second year of preschool and they LOVE IT. William also continued in a speech program. They started Dance with their big sisters in September. Who knows if William will continue into the next year with it, but he has enjoyed it so far. They are growing up way too fast for us!
Throughout this year, we’ve had friends and family helping us to get by – babysitting for us so we could be with my Dad as much as possible. We’ll never forget those gifts because it gave us such a treasure - time. People prayed for us, for my family, sent their blessings, sent cards, called, brought food, and visited. In life’s journey we all struggle with various circumstances, but to have a year like ours from the start and to end with the joyous and blessed season of Christmas, we feel a little like the wise men searching for a star, wondering what will happen to us next, and asking where do we go from here; a little lost. We choose to focus on the blessings of the season and more than anything, the love we have to give one another, here and now. My heart is comforted knowing that my fiercest guardian on earth is now in heaven. My Dad, is watching over my children throughout their days now, so in closing we say God Bless, Merry Christmas. We wish the spirits of your past to visit you this season bearing gifts of glory from heaven, memories of wonderful days gone by, and hope for the future. I know my Dad’s spirit will be with us throughout. Love ya, Dad.
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